"- just diggin' on the feelin' of feeling sublime!"
Today was one of the best days (and nights!) I've had in a long time!
I just got home from meeting up with one of the Pandy's members - another sexual assault survivor who's my age - (mountaingoats!), and we had a fantastic time. It was a 2-hr drive up to LA, plus traffic, but it was sooo worth it. Not only was she nice and awesome, we hit it off right away. She was really happy I'd come, so that made me feel even more awesome.
We got foods at this one place; and then we walked around and talked for a while. We talked for most of the time I was there, actually, it was rad.
It was cool to exchange stories with one another face to face. (Oh! That's the other thing! I think I'm finally ready to tell 'my story' on Pandy's. ) She seems to have a really good support system, which is soo awesome. And I found out we have some stuffs in common!
Later in to the night, I was still feeling awesome, and when I feel awesome I take people to cool places. I decided to introduce her to Animal - my favorite restaurant in CA.
She loved it. The ambiance was great ('specially for being 11 'o clock at night!); the wait staff (and our cute bartender/waiter guy ) were awesome and attentive, and we even got to share food with people! This guy sat next to us and wanted to know what my Bacon Chocolate Crunch Bar tasted like ("Uhm, amazing?!!?") so I gave him a piece, since I ordered two. Then, he ordered an appetizer and gave some to us. It was tasty. Plus the other cake dessert we had was good too.
After that, we walked and talked some more, had fun driving around, and I dropped her off at home just after 1:00am.
I was in a state of total bliss on the drive home, blaring Big D & The Kids Table and singing my voice raw through 3 albums - it was fantastic. I am just, so happy and in such a great mood!
It's been like this [all] week.
Ever since I broke up with my girlfriend, it's like I've been liberated.
"Shake life up... 'cause you own it
and you always have now!"
I was introduced to a guy - Scott - last Friday, by my best friend. He's nice, cute, complementary, funny and just....a good guy. She said that if me and my gf ever broke up, that I should date him. I was skeptical upon meeting him, but that changed after we hung out some. I am comfortable with him - which never happens. We cuddled and watched TV and spent 3 awesome (well, 2) days/nights together. The first night, the 3 of us hung out, and it was pretty fantastic.
We hung out well into Sat, which was fun. He likes me quite a bit, and I told him I liked him too. We hung out that night, just the two of us, and had a great time. I stayed the night and it was good.
The next day he was in a bad mood after I left; and I spent some time with my best friend.
Monday, me and the best friend went over to his house cuz I really wanted to see him and he wanted to see me, but just me. Well, best friend caused some drama between us...but nonetheless, he still tried to kiss me and wanted to be close to me, and it was nice.
This past week I've been trying to make plans with him, but he was busy. Then today, drama exploded.
He told me he was uncomfortable hanging out with me while my best friend was mad at him (methinks it's a jealousy thing and he doesn't want us fighting over him or feeling like he's leading one of us on, so he's trying to make amends with her and get her to move on, so he can have me to himself)
Best friend told me that she is "entirely over him, just so know" and that she "doesn't care what either of you do" and she told him this too, in a lengthy message. I hope she really sent the message and that I can see him soon.
We talked a lot those past couple of days, and texted a lot too.
He encouraged me to follow my dreams of going to culinary school, and we talked about food for 30mins or so which was amazing. My rape got brought up casually, and he's had multiple experiences (both friends and a loved one are survivors); so he understands. And I thought it was awesome that...when he talked about it, he didn't say, "Yeah I knew some rape victims," he called them - us - "survivors". I'd never thought of myself like that before. I told him my story, and he held me and comforted me. We also figured out a major trigger of mine together, and I came to the conclusion that I am not "scared of sex" like I thought. I want a physical connection with someone, I want to be close to him - obviously, I was cuddling with him in his bed! I just had never had a positive sexual experience, so I immediately associate it with something "bad". Not to mention, he asked me a couple of "personal" sexual questions, and I was like, "Hey...I actually like some stuff! I know it's not all bad!" I just need someone who's willing to take their time with me, understand what I'm going through, and be willing to 'safely' test my boundaries and figure out what I like. I also need to be assertive enough to say "NO" and set my boundaries - or else it could get chaotic.
He told me that his ex was the opposite of me - she'd had a good sexual experience, but was too scared to get close to anyone, including him, for fear of them hurting her.
I know that he may not be ready for a relationship right now and that's fine; we still need to get to know each other better anyways (which comes with hanging out!). But even if nothing serious results.... I still want him. I still want to fool around, and just live in the moment being happy with someone who appreciates me & that I feel safe with. I want to be close and comfortable with him. Laying next to him was the happiest I'd felt in a while with anyone, let alone a guy!
I honestly feel that we could have a good time being physical together - and right now, at this moment, that's all I want.
He would send me cute texts, or silly texts where I would jokingly groan, "You are [i]such a guy!!!" but would laugh all the same.
I have not 'wanted' a guy before. I have never heard those words come out of my mouth, honestly.
I think that, if we do get together and fool around, it would be good for me. It's like a friends-with-benefits thing, where we have no expectations. I've never been able to willingly go into something like this, and I think it's exciting.
I want to know what happens. I want to see him again.
""It's simple shit, we're bad but it's fun;
It's simple shit, to be too good is just dumb."
Both staying up so late at night,
Hell let's try this in the light...
"Cause if we keep coming back,
The chemistry must be on track..."
On top of all this, I had a lunch date today with a cute guy named Danny. I don't know if I'll ever see him again; but I got a free lunch and had good conversation.
My counseling on Tuesday was pretty damn fantastic. It was my last session with this current counselor, and we 'wrapped up' and reviewed how much progress I'd made.
I told her how fantastic and liberated I'd been feeling since I left my girlfriend, how free I felt.
I told her about Scott's and I's conversation and how we identified a trigger that I'd been skipping over. How I didn't think all sex was so bad anymore, and that I could actually be fully comfortable around the right guy. That I was learning my boundaries and learning how to love myself, which is really really important. In fact, in a way, the time away from Carrie helped me learn to love myself and keep myself happy.
We also went through my little boxes - one of the things I'd learned through my recovery, and another of things I wanted to work on. I threw out a bunch of things I'd needed to work on, which alone was marking progress, and that felt great.
I've got a better grip on my anger, and found that Eminem is a fantastic coping mechanism for that. Instead of channeling my rage into punching things, cutting, or even speeding on the freeway, I can blast Em and spew my anger with him, thro his raps, which is amazingly a great stress relief.
Another big thing, is learning my boundaries and being able to see the signs of a good and bad relationship.
I've also gotten better at handling my triggers!! That's a really awesome thing, because I thought I was making no progress with that.
Also, telling my story. I was so comfortable telling Scott, which was a big step for me, that has opened up doors for me to tell others.
She called me a 'survivor' - and up until that moment, I had never really felt like one. But with the events of the past weekend, and feeling joy surge through me in every way...I knew it was true. I am making it, and I never even stopped to think on it. I am soo much better than I was last year, or even 6 months ago when I started counseling.
I know I can beat this and get through it, and I know it's within my reach.
"I feel like I'm morphin' into something that's so incredible..."
Since the beginning of the week (minus the slight drama today), I have felt amazing.
It's like... I'm going through a transition, shaping into a better person. Exploring this part of myself that has never been explored before. Being truly happy with myself, loving myself to the fullest extent and not dwelling on the bad shit of my past.
I just feel so fantastic and free, I feel like I can do anything now!
I am a survivor, and I am getting through this.