"I feel underappreciated..."
All that I know is isolation, self-damnation.
All light that I'd owned... was shed and worthless now."
Yesterday, after spending all day and a good portion of the night with my best friend, we parted ways and I headed to my gf's house.
She told me to come over around 9:30p, so I did.
[On the way over, I thought about an activity I wanted to do for our next anniversary - that I'd heard in a movie: we would each write a letter to each other telling the other what we liked about them, what attracted us to each other. I thought I would save that idea for our next month together, because this month wasn't really good.]
Once I got inside we said our hellos, and I put my arm around her but we didn't really hug. I said "hi" to her mom and we layed around in her room for a little. I remember she wanted to talk to me about somethings, and wondered when that would happen. Then we left for a late dinner.
On the car ride, I would put my head on her shoulder as she drove. Usually, it's returned with a smile, or a hand hold, or patting my leg. Tonight, I got nothing. I already had "bad feelings" (just feeling low) on my way over there, but now they were getting worse.
We talked a little in the car about nothing in particular, and sat ourselves at dinner, waiting for our friend to arrive. I felt crappy, depressed. The lack of affection wasn't helpful either.
We talked over food and I remember thinking, "I shouldn't order a drink," because I felt like shit and knew it would probably amplify my feelings. Well I got a drink anyway, and that plus talking with our friend helped a little.
The car ride home, I again tried resting my head on her shoulder but got nothing. I just gave up, retreated to my shell, and looked out the window. We just talked about all this stuff, I thought it would change once we were together, hanging out, but obviously it didn't.
When we got home, we got ready for bed and started watching 'Primal Fear'. I layed next to her, and she got close to me & put her arm around me. It was what I'd been waiting for all night (isn't that sad?!) - and I passed out halfway through the movie, I was so tired.
And then I had a dream that my favorite lead singer/celeb crush, David McWane, asked me out on a date in front of my girlfriend, and she just smiled at me.in Wal-Mart. Weird, yes?
Then we woke up early after hitting the snooze button a few times. While she was in the shower, her mom came in to talk to me and thanked me for "being so patient" with her daughter because she's been so busy lately. "Once she gets started on a project, she won't stop!" I'm the same way, determined, driven - but I'll always make time for my significant other. I thought it was sweet of her mom to thank me though, she's great - and she missed me these past few weeks when I haven't been around much.
Now it's 7:14pm, I left m'girl around noon because she had things to do. She said she'd "see me later" and told her mom she'd be home "around 4p or 5p," but I texted her and they signed the lease and were doing some shopping...that was over 2hrs ago. Now I'm sitting at home, waiting. It feels just like last week! And it irks me because her mom had some friends coming in from out of town that wanted to meet me, and she was all excited for them to meet me too but....looks like that won't happen.
I'm going to talk with my buddy Kyle tonight, he's being supportive and hopes that this doesn't turn into a sour relationship.... I'm trying to stay positive but as the minutes pass, my motivation wears thin.
Midnight edit: I've been home at my apartment since about 5p. Come to think of it, I haven't really eaten since then except for Taco Bell because I didn't know when m'girl was going to call/text me to come back.
Well. Obviously she never did. We had an hour of emptiness, every hour, for 4+ hours when I texted her. That was bothersome, too. Fortunately my friend Alana came over for a couple hours and helped me calm down.
Now I am in a weird state of mind. I felt physically sick earlier, my stomach was in knots and I felt light-headed. Now I am just zoning out to Iron Maiden. Bruce Dickenson's voice is helping tonight.