Things on my mind...
Or were you sent to save me?
I've thought too much,
You won't find anything worthy of redeeming.
Yo he estado aquí muchas veces antes y regreso..."
1. - I read a lot of old Livejournal entries on Thursday afternoon, from 2004 - 2006 today. I skimmed through them to bookmark them, for future analysis. To look for answers. *I'm sure I'll post more on that later
I was able to piece together one thing: why I stayed with him [M, my first boyfriend, the rapist].
During my high school years, life with my family got worse every month. My mother's alcoholism was more and more apparent, and I was just coming to grips with how that had been affecting my life; my father was emotionally/mentally abusive to my mother and I, my mother was seriously talking about moving out...
M was my first source of comfort, escape from my broken home. Eventually I trusted him enough to tell him of my family problems, and he embraced me and gave me a place to go when I needed to. I never stayed the night - ever at his house (curfews and all), but he was always there for me when I needed to get away. Because he was my first everything...I thought I loved him. I know now, especially upon re-reading all my past thoughts and feelings, and knowing that he is still the same since high school, that he was toxic for me.
I just don't know why I kept going back to him, even when numerous friends told me not to, that he was bad - after he cheated on me, r*ped me, took advantage of me and kept making me do things I didn't want to, after he mocked my morals (I was a straight-edge kid back then, he smoked, drank and partied)...why was I so stupid?!
2. - I figured out, partially, a reason why I have been feeling so weird about my girlfriend lately - thinking about wanting to find "something else", thinking of guys... I miss the affection, the kisses and just laying on her bed, snuggling. The mind-blowing make-out sessions that would leave me feeling whole, but wanting more.
I miss being close to her and feeling close, instead of being distant, apart, and feeling fragile like a piece of broken glass.
She's been busy these past 3 weeks, and next week and the week after she'll continue to be busy. I can understand that, we all get busy and I respect that. I would just like to hear of her plans in advance, not having her shoo me out the door in the morning when I came over the night before prepared to spend a couple days with her.
I'm hoping that once the busy-ness stops we can return to normalcy, but I'm also scared that, after trying to tell her how I feel and telling her "My Story", that she won't be able to handle me, or deal with...this....my recovery process. I want her to be by my side in this and I don't know if I'll get that from her.
We were able to cover a little bit via email yesterday, where she told me that she's trying to reconnect with old friends, and is busy with the move and everything else going on. She's getting overwhelmed, and I feel bad.
She also mentioned some "personal problems" that were bringing her down that she was trying to tackle on her own - I let her know that I was here if she needed it. She also wants a little more personal time to herself, which is perfectly fine (I've been lucky to see my gf Tues-Fri every week for a few months now).
It all comes down to time management and figuring out her friends schedule's - balancing our relationship, her personal time, and friend time. She also wants to talk with me in person about somethings. I'm kind of anxious about that, because if it's regarding anything sexual (farthest we've gone is making out), I'm not ready or comfortable with anything 'major' right now, sorry.
Guess I'll just wait and see how it goes!
3. - Falling down and struggling to pull myself up again after realizing and confirming that I was raped, multiple times, by the same perp, my first boyfriend.
That one incident keeps replaying in my mind and I guess the repetition of that, led me to begin to question what was happening a little more in-depth. It's scary.
Almost feels like it just happened, like I'm back to Square One, not knowing how or what to do, feeling lost and wary of everyone I don't know. Wanting to cut and cry and just get angry. Wanting to isolate myself.
Also, I feel like a part of me is still "in denial" about the whole thing, or trying to revert to how I handled it back then - not seeing it for what it was, and just sweeping it under the rug. I know now that that doesn't work - but should I dive into my emotions head-first, or test the waters day by day as they come?