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Space-Bound --- "My worries weigh the world,"

Posted by Shining_On124 , 26 July 2010 · 14 views


I'm worried that she'll leave me. That she can't handle this...what I'm becoming.

I don't think she's ever been with a rape victim before.

I know that my anxiety is getting worse. I have decided that I may need to go on medication for it, with or without health insurance. I'll get the money.

I don't know what she'll think of that, of me, if I do.

"I've tried in this department, but I ain't had no luck with this...
It sucks but it's exactly what I thought it would be - like tryin' to start over.
I gotta hole in my heart, I'm some kind of emotional roller-coaster
Somethin' I won't go on til you toy with my emotions, so it's over...

It's like an explosion every time I hold ya, I wasn't jokin' when I told ya
"You take my breathe away,"
You're a supernova...
and I'm a...
I'ma space bound rocket ship and your heart's the moon,
And I'm aiming right at you...
"

This whole thing is like an emotional roller coaster - and she still hasn't heard my story. A part of me, I think, is holding back from telling her, because I don't know if she'll want to stay with me after that. All the guys couldn't handle it, and only a few knew the bigger part of The Story.
It's like I'm stuck with a warning label - oh shit, we need to be patient, we need to hold off on sex, you're fragile, I don't want to break you… I already know that, on a intimate level, she and I are on the same page, we've discussed it, she knows I have problems with sex right now and she's fine with it.

A lot has happened this past week. My anxiety has been bouncing around for the past month, but this past week was the breaking part, and it happened in front of Carrie. She knows I'm vulnerable, I know she knows I'm hurting.

I don't think she knew how bad it was, either. Especially because she doesn't know…all that I'm dealing with.

I'm just scared that she won't be able or willing to deal with me when the worst comes - because right now it just seems to be getting worse.

The other night, I sent her a Facebook message apologizing for my restless sleep next to her and thanking her for her comfort. She didn't reply.

Last night I sent her another message saying how proud I was for not SI-ing, that I drew some comics instead, and told her that I uploaded them so she could see….and I don't know if she looked at them. I kind of hoped she would, that she would comment on them…let me know what she thought; that I'd given my demons a face, I'd given them visual life instead of keeping them locked up inside me (I suppose releasing the demons in one way is better than none?). I just want to know what she thinks...but I don't know if I should ask her, "Hey, what'd you think of my pictures?" because I don't know if she looked at them.

I am beginning to fret again.

I texted her telling her I was missing her.

A part of me thinks that the reason she's seemingly unresponsive is because she's at work - 10hr days, 911 dispatcher. It's heavy stuff, she deals with some heavy stuff, and she does it well in a professional manner. [But we've already talked about that...when it's someone you know, it's different, it's personal then.] She gets wrapped up in work and then we don't discuss personal matters until her days off. But we have messaged about my recovery stuff, long e-mails back and forth, on her work weeks because it's important.

I'm worried that she'll stop liking me. That she'll back off and retreat because she can't handle what I'm becoming. And I'm not sure how to voice my fears, because what if I have it all wrong, and she really is just busy with work this week (I'll see her on Tues)?

*sigh*

Feedback or rationalization is appreciated.



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soulconstance
Jul 26 2010 10:31 AM
I understand how you can be worried and scared. For, really, the first time in my life, lately - I'm terrified of loosing my boyfriend. I'm afraid that how emotional I am will eventually send him over the edge. (And well, he's like... the best person I've ever met in my life - certainly the best male, and it's hard for me to imagine letting him go. lol)
But here's the thing - you need to trust the person you're with and respect yourself as well.

You can't hold back your emotions for your SO. You can't stuff yourself deep inside till you choke. It doesn't work. You have to respect your emotions, and certainly respect what may seem like a weakness in them - because, allowing yourself to show that weakness can be your greatest strength when in a loving, supporting relationship.
The person you're with needs to respect that you're going to have bad days - even if they seem really bad ---- just like you would hold her and love her even if she were breaking down. Relationships and love are mutual. If they're not, they're just not right.

And besides - one of the most important things, I think... when it comes to relationships, is communication. There's nothing wrong with talking to her about these things or sending her long e-mails. And it's understandable to want some feedback because silence can be... so scary.


I will also admit, that some people, I think, may need some adjusting time - but if they really love you, they'll go through hell with you, holding your hand when they can. It's understandable for them to not always reply right away, and it's understandable if you want to act strong (because healing can be tiring just like being strong can be tiring - you've got to do each when you feel comfortable doing it). But there's a time and place for everything - for talking about the hard issues, for crying in their arms - for supporting each other and being bluntly honest and open.

Just be yourself, hon. You'll do just fine.
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CalamityJane
Jul 26 2010 04:48 PM
Your worries are mine too. But here's the beautiful part, the ones that we love, love us for the same reasons - and she will be there, as my boyfriend has been there for me. Someone that truly loves you, madly deeply loves you, only wants to see you heal and see you happy. Maybe she has been busy with work, but she is most certain to get back to you! You are probably worrying because you are scared of causing a riff, but it will be okay. She will understand.

And I think that's great that you expressed your feelings through art - good for you! I am sure she will feel the same way :)

I hope that you are doing okay - just remember to be yourself - that's the reason you are loved :) ((safe hugs))
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Shining_On124
Jul 27 2010 05:26 AM
Hey Quin,

Thank you for the comment!

I'm sorry that you're also afraid. :/ But I guess neither of us can really know what will come next, until we get to that point.

You're right, trust is key - alongside communication. I think what most scares me is that I've never asked any of my exes to stand by me in this - I've never really focused on this with such intent (I started my recovery process in '09).... so it's a big deal. It's important to me, you know, and I feel like I'll overwhelm her with all this, that it'll scare her away. :(

You're right, I can't stuff myself deep down - I've done it before and it only made matters worse and more self-destructive in the long run. I'll just go crazee if I keep it all in.
"allowing yourself to show that weakness can be your greatest strength when in a loving, supporting relationship." <-- this is so true. I believe she can respect me and my emotions, and she wants to try and understand...she likes to figure things out. I just worry.

I think m'girl would definitely be one that would need "adjusting time"; and I've already told her that I can give her that.

*nods* I'll keep being myself, but I'll try not to hide so much and talk about it a little more with her. I just wish it wasn't so damn difficult for me to bring it up! :(

~Rachel
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Shining_On124
Jul 27 2010 05:28 AM
Thank you for the reply Calamity,

You're right. Love is a wonderful thing.

I'm proud that I was able to express myself through art, it's progress! :)

I will remember to stay true to myself and try not to withdraw as best I can. At least I know I can come here and go to my T/friends for help when I need it.

*hugs - if ok*
~Rachel

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