Space-Bound --- "My worries weigh the world,"
I don't think she's ever been with a rape victim before.
I know that my anxiety is getting worse. I have decided that I may need to go on medication for it, with or without health insurance. I'll get the money.
I don't know what she'll think of that, of me, if I do.
"I've tried in this department, but I ain't had no luck with this...
It sucks but it's exactly what I thought it would be - like tryin' to start over.
I gotta hole in my heart, I'm some kind of emotional roller-coaster
Somethin' I won't go on til you toy with my emotions, so it's over...
It's like an explosion every time I hold ya, I wasn't jokin' when I told ya
"You take my breathe away,"
You're a supernova...
and I'm a...
I'ma space bound rocket ship and your heart's the moon,
And I'm aiming right at you..."
This whole thing is like an emotional roller coaster - and she still hasn't heard my story. A part of me, I think, is holding back from telling her, because I don't know if she'll want to stay with me after that. All the guys couldn't handle it, and only a few knew the bigger part of The Story.
It's like I'm stuck with a warning label - oh shit, we need to be patient, we need to hold off on sex, you're fragile, I don't want to break you… I already know that, on a intimate level, she and I are on the same page, we've discussed it, she knows I have problems with sex right now and she's fine with it.
A lot has happened this past week. My anxiety has been bouncing around for the past month, but this past week was the breaking part, and it happened in front of Carrie. She knows I'm vulnerable, I know she knows I'm hurting.
I don't think she knew how bad it was, either. Especially because she doesn't know…all that I'm dealing with.
I'm just scared that she won't be able or willing to deal with me when the worst comes - because right now it just seems to be getting worse.
The other night, I sent her a Facebook message apologizing for my restless sleep next to her and thanking her for her comfort. She didn't reply.
Last night I sent her another message saying how proud I was for not SI-ing, that I drew some comics instead, and told her that I uploaded them so she could see….and I don't know if she looked at them. I kind of hoped she would, that she would comment on them…let me know what she thought; that I'd given my demons a face, I'd given them visual life instead of keeping them locked up inside me (I suppose releasing the demons in one way is better than none?). I just want to know what she thinks...but I don't know if I should ask her, "Hey, what'd you think of my pictures?" because I don't know if she looked at them.
I am beginning to fret again.
I texted her telling her I was missing her.
A part of me thinks that the reason she's seemingly unresponsive is because she's at work - 10hr days, 911 dispatcher. It's heavy stuff, she deals with some heavy stuff, and she does it well in a professional manner. [But we've already talked about that...when it's someone you know, it's different, it's personal then.] She gets wrapped up in work and then we don't discuss personal matters until her days off. But we have messaged about my recovery stuff, long e-mails back and forth, on her work weeks because it's important.
I'm worried that she'll stop liking me. That she'll back off and retreat because she can't handle what I'm becoming. And I'm not sure how to voice my fears, because what if I have it all wrong, and she really is just busy with work this week (I'll see her on Tues)?
Feedback or rationalization is appreciated.