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"I'm goin' through changes..."

Posted by Shining_On124 , 22 July 2010 · 13 views

The past couple weeks my anxiety has been acting up. I know it's a combination of my healing, looking for a job and an apartment, freaking out because I haven't been spending as much time as I'd like to on my recovery.... then spending some time on my recovery and realizing that everything is building up into a monumental wave that comes crashing down, and I'm drowning in these thoughts and feelings, emotions that I never knew were there... but acknowledging my anxiety makes it seemingly worse because I know what's happening.

I even told my girlfriend the other night, "I had no idea it was this bad!" as I broke down, crying and shaking, arms around her as she held me, me clutching to her for comfort and warmth. I think by me verbally acknowledging that, "by me moving, it's not going to go away," scared me a little bit. She said, "Well, did you really think it would?" and I started sobbing and that's when I said I didn't know I was this bad.

Yesterday, was part 2 of my birthday surprise from her. We went to the Natural History Museum where they had dinosaurs, and I love dinosaurs and had been itching to go, so we spent hours there...I took pictures of everything, we got a pic of us together being cute. It was a great day. Then we got dinner, shared a beer sampler and a pizza-cookie sampler for dessert. On the way to dinner, I felt like crying, for no apparent reason. Then I laid my head on her shoulder and clutched her arm for fear of her leaving - even tho we were in the car and she was driving. I was so anxious and I just wanted to cry and cry some more. Like the water works from the night before are still there. It was weird.

Also the night before, we discussed my job situation. I have an interview for Time Warner today. I'm so scared and nervous that they'll offer me the job right then and there because of my qualifications and recent experience. I have a couple questions I'm going to ask them, too, so we'll see....
Upon further talking to my girlfriend, I realized that I don't need to feel pressured to accept this job "because it's a job" - because my unemployment claim doesn't expire until next year. And, Congress passed something that extends all the extensions (that doesn't apply to me) to receive checks till November 30th! Even if 11/30 was my "deadline", that's still plenty of time.

I don't have to settle, I'll be fine.

We talked about my old job at the vet, and in talking about it...I realized that I really liked that job. Not the vet I worked for, because it was poorly managed and privately-owned, but the work itself. I learned a lot, and I like working with animals. I enjoyed helping animals and being a small part of something that united to do something big - because, we were all there for the animals. That's why I applied for humane society jobs. I'm going to look at positions with other vets, and pet hotels too, and see what happens.

**I was also triggered on my drive home today... passed by a red Jeep, and the one time I don't expect it, it was his father driving. And it was made even worse because I was listening to Eminem's "Not Afraid" which is my motivational, get-thro-this song. Fortunately I kept listening to my music and was able to shake off the fear quickly - but I almost puked up my breakfast.

I can't wait to move.

December 2014

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