Summer Shudder - 4 years ago...
It's the circumstances and the piece of filth who caused the break up that lead to marking this day as a "horrible anniversary". *more on that later this evening, when I get it all out.
Already, the triggers have started. It's 4:45p, and we're starting dinner. I offered to go to the store to get some bacon for the twice baked potatoes my father & I are making. Even as I walked out to my car, I began to get nervous. I've had trouble as of late walking around that part of town, day or night, for fear of seeing 'him'.
I put on Blaqk Audio and blared it with the windows down. As if on autopilot, I drove to - and past - Mike's (good ex) house. I don't know what I expected to feel, or even if I expected to see him. I guess it was my way of recognizing this day for what it was, and wishing I could apologize but knowing that he's probably forgotten about this day, both of them have. My heart felt heavy.
After driving to the store was when the triggers started. I just expected to see him around every corner. I was apprehensive, on guard, shaky. I'm sure people could see it. It felt like everyone was looking at me.
All I wanted was bacon bits, and I wandered around isles like I had no idea where I was going. Finally, in the salad dressing isle, duh.
There were two guys, one quite tall, another short, shirtless and with their boxers showing. Disgusting.
I kept waiting for him to show up, come around a corner.
It was the same way in the parking lot, walking to my car. He never did. I blared Blaqk Audio on the way out.
I've been irritable all day, snapping at mostly my father for stupid things. I hate this day. I've never been real close to him anyway, and this day's already lost it's meaning. He doesn't know about the r*, and wouldn't get it.
Short character summary:
Michael Towe - my first boyfriend. Rapist.
Mike[y] - boyfriend I had after Michael. First love. Only guy to know of, and understand my r*pe situation and treated me /w love, understanding and respect. Had bouts of depression that he was dealing with.
This day, four years ago, started off pretty well. I was chatting with Mike on AIM.
Apparently, I had been woken up from a call from Michael, saying he wanted to hang out. I guess that is when the arrangements were made for him to come over later. [I was such a forgiving person, I guess that's why we still hung out as friends after everything...].
I hung out with Mike from 11:45a-4:00pm, then I remember eating dinner with my parents.
Michael came over around 8:30p or so. We talked a little in my room, light on door open, then headed out to the living room. I was kind of excited, because I rented Bambi 2 (I love Disney movies!) and was interested in seeing how that sequel turned out.
My younger brother was in the kitchen, sitting at the bar eating dessert. I was glad he was there, to keep an eye on us. I started the movie, and was totally into it.
Michael started tickling me; I tried to wiggle away. I just wanted to watch my movie. My brother shushed us and told us to be quiet, our parents were sleeping.
A few minutes into the movie, my brother got up and left for bed. He told us to be quiet. I told him we would - Michael gave me a look. A "I have other plans" look.
We were both sitting upright on the couch. He laid down length-wise on the couch. I had no room, so I laid next to him. When he knew we were alone, that's when he slid his hands down my pants. I then proceeded to roll off the couch and sit on the floor. I told him to stop, that I wanted to watch the movie.
Then, he began tickling me. I started laughing by reflex, and then he tried attempt #2 at getting in my pants. I squirmed away, and tried to kick him. He made some remark; and then my mother came out of the bedroom. We paused the movie. She told us to be quiet and keep it down, my father had to get up early for work.
After she left, I glared at him and told him I just wanted to watch the movie! He put his hands up in false surrender as if to say, "Okay, okay!"
I sat against the couch - but I think I laid back down next to him. I honestly don't remember what was happening in the movie except I think I saw Bambi and Thumper ice skating or something. I think this final time was when he tried to get on top of me to get his hand back down in my pants, and I tried to roll off the couch. Then, in his usual fashion, he looked at the clock and said that he had to head home. I saw him to the door, and before I could close the door in his face he said, "That was a really good movie."
I hated him. I hated myself.
I became very angry at myself for letting that happen again, for letting him into my house, for forgiving him and trusting it wouldn't happen again when everyone knew it would. Knew what he was capable of.
I planned on telling Mike what had happened, because I wanted to be honest with him, and I was scared.
I got on AIM and chatted with him, but he had had a horrible night, too. He got into a fight with his mother, and went to his 2nd mom's house to cool down. I decided that my matter could wait, and would talk to him the next day.
In the days that followed:
I wrote Mike a note. Here are some snippets: "I know that there are other tactics I could have used to get him off me. But that night, I didn't know what to do! Towe is just overpowering. I didn't feel comfortable in yelling out; because my mom had already complained 3 times about the noise and I didn't want to further aggravate her. I tried to squirm away, and I tried to push him off me, but he is too strong. Even then, he wouldn't take a fuckin' hint.
The reason I told you about that incident was because I wanted to be honest with you. So that we could talk about it, and figure things out. Where to go next, what to do.
I know that when I told you; that just added more shit to your plate that you didn't need, and that led to a bunch of mixed emotions.
If I could go back in time and not even hang out with him, then I wouldn't. The past can't be changed, but I can damn well improve the future.
All contact with Mike Towe has been dropped. He's called me a few times the past few days, and I've just let it ring. I'm cutting him out of my life; he's hurt and confused me far too many times. I want nothing to do with him anymore.
I spent the following day with my two best friends, Brian and Alana. We played video games at Brian's house, when I got a call from Mike.
At first he was pissed at what Michael had done - he wanted to kill him and didn't care if he got arrested for it. Then, I remember falling, my world was spinning. His voice was low, sad. He said that we were breaking up, he couldn't be with me anymore. He was mad at me for allowing Michael into my home knowing what he was capable of.
I was devastated. I remember falling to the floor, breaking down and crying. Alana and Brian moved me to his bed, soothed me, calmed me. I slept. I had never cried that much, nor felt like I had lost everything.
A day or two later, I filled Mike's friend (and sister's boyfriend), Chad, in on what happened. He had no idea that Michael had raped me, on top of what had happened a couple nights before. He was pissed - but said he just wanted to talk to Michael.
We went to Michael's work, a pizza place, where he was working. Chad went up to the window and basically yelled warnings at him through the window between the customers & the cooks, saying for Michael not to lay a hand on me again; that it was fucked up what he did. Then we left.
Later, at around 9:00PM, Michael texts me with "Not fuckin' cool." and Chad leaves him a voicemail telling him to never touch me again.
I felt proud that someone was willing to jump to my defense, and to finally put Michael "in the wrong" - to show that it wasn't my fault.
It just got worse, though.
Later, at a friend's house, my parents call me. Michael had called them and told them about the work incident, saying that he could call the cops next time if that happened again - and that he could get fired for stuff like that happening.
My mom gave me a talking to when I got home (neither of my parents know about the rapes); and I got an e-mail from Michael:
"Make sure that they dont come to my work cuz ill call the cops. i dont know who that guy was, and i dont care. that was bullshit. WE fucked up. not just me. if mike has problems with that, he needs to realize i didnt fucking rape you, and get over the fact that it happened. i didnt do what i did that night to piss anyone off. i wasnt thinking about what i did. i apologize to both you and mike. ive got my own life to worrie about, i dont need this too. if it makes him happy, il never talk to you again. il never call you, il never see you, hell, il block you on myspace and delete your numbers from my phone. i just dont want to get in a fight and i dont want to worry about it. since i do still have feelings for you, which are just gonna get me into trouble, i would rather not associate with you or mike until ive got my shit straight. maybe that wont happen, and il never associate with either of you ever again, which i hope doesnt happen, because i like you and mike. i think mikes a very cool, guy and perfect for you, i just didnt want to except that fact. but im saying right now, to you and mike, ive learned my lesson, i apologize, and i will stay out of your lives forever."
"i didnt fucking rape you" - not that time, I thought. Not that time, but what would you call all those other times? And telling my boyfriend to "get over it" - Michael, you did so much damage you have no idea. It is not something to easily recover from.
We cut ties after that. At least, until months later, when the 'Anahiem Incident' happened. That I will blog about later.
Now, I am coping with my anger, sadness and hurt. I feel like I was never able to fully repair what happened between Mike and I, even though I apologized a lot of times after. I feel like I lost the love of my life to my rapist, and even though I'm with an amazing girl now...this still weighs on my head and heart. A part of me will always love Mike for getting me away from Michael and treating me with the love and respect I deserve.
I just feel all that is shattered and cold because of what happened that night. That he was still able to get to me and mess me up, even when I was in a safe relationship.
I know that love and happiness still exist beyond these terrible things. And I know I've found bliss with my beautiful girl. I just hate that incidents like this, and thoughts of him, can still permeate my mind and ruin things. Make them ugly.