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Mmm Failing!

Posted by Dark_and_Dead , 25 June 2010 · 7 views

I am trying to get my head around everything but yeah not going so well.

Okay..so my Therapist is getting tired of me avoiding going to make an appointment at the sexual abuse centre...and so next appointment she has told me she is taking me into town and we are going to have a coffee and just walk past the place.

Okay yeah I get the whole expoture therapy working for some but so don't think this is the way to go around it...I am not scared to make the appointment or go near the building I mean I walk past the building everyday...its right in town. Its more making the commitment to see someone and talk about it and get specialist help. Yeah I get that I will be getting help but it also means dealing with everthing and actually talking about it, agh.

ANYWAY..I do not want to go to town with my therapist as I have done it in the past and it was awkward ... going to a cafe sucked we had nothing to talk about and then she started asking abou tmy self harm and so on..yeah right in the middle of a cafe..perfect place to talk about that kind of thing.SO I never went back to her again..and I dont want this to happen with this therapist as I really get along with her.

SO..to hopefully stop this from happening I went into town and made the appointment. Noo idea what I was thinking. I do not want to go but now I feel like I have to..I am not ready but agh I have to. whats worse is I am seeing my therapist in the morning and then this appointment is 2 hours later..way to much counsellin in a short period of time.

I duno what to do. What if my therapist still wants to go into town for a coffee..as I know she is always really concous about how much counselling I get as a couple of times I have had 3 appointments with different people in a week and it gets way to much for me and I start having a breakdown..so what if she still wants to go out for a coffee so I dont have to much that day. I dont want to.

I dont even want to go to this other appointment. Agh what happends when I go back to uni in 2 weeks... I have no days off...so I wont be able to go to any counsellin...I dont get how they expect me to fit in an appointment with 2 counsellors and my psychiatrist...and occasionally my ED clinician.

I am STRESSED..but I cant tell anyone this. I feel I am being pathetic...but at the same time its really bad cause I am pushing away all my friends, I am causing fights just so I dont have to explain whats wrong with me.

Even my GP can see things are getting worse..and I am normally a great liar..but when he asked how I was and I said really good..he just said okay and now tell me the truth..... Why cant others see it. Not that I want some people to see it, cause its not like anyonme can help.

MEH OVER IT.
So this is what my life has come down to, self harm..fake happyness with friends...self harm..therapy...self harm...suicidal thoughts...and faking happy with family.

It's my fault...I do not blame anyone but myself.



October 2014

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