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Feel like I am going crazy

Posted by Dark_and_Dead , 08 June 2010 · 22 views

Today has been a really scary day. I have always known that I have been sexually abused when I was younger and raped in my life but I thought I could remember everything.

I haven't really slept the past 2 weeks and have had the exact same nightmare about me being sexually abused by a neighbour but thing is I never remembered it happening. I just thought my brain was making up stuff. Until today it's like it all came pouring back.

It actually happend. I even look through old diaries from when I was 8 and there are pages and pages of it. How could I have just blocked it all out? What else have I blocked out of my mind.

I am so scared. I don't want to sleep I don't want to have anymore nightmares I don't want to remember anymore events from my past.

ALL day I have been reliving so much. Remembering so much. It's like all of a sudden my brain as released things from my past and I want it to remain hidden I am not strong enough to deal with anymore.

I am hurting so much. I cannot stop being sick. I am reliving what happend to me...almost able to feel my neighbour again.

I want to run away. I "hurt" myself not long ago and I don't know how much longer I can put it off. I am really triggered.

This whole day has been a mess. My flatmates except my best friend don't understand anything about me they know I SI but do not know why and they do not understand why I dont sleep and when I do its during the day as its when I feel safe. So they are getting angry at me ... yelling at me. My friend understands but I dont want her to tell them and she tells them to back off but then they get angry at her. I feel extreamly guilty.

This day has been going on forever and I have to still get through the night. A night full of reliving everything.

I still cannot comprehend the fact that my brain blocked out something as extream as that. I want to go back to when I couldn't remember. I am scared.

I so badely want to talk to someone. But I can't I dont have anyone.

I want to give up.

July 2016

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