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Feel like I am going crazy

Posted by Dark_and_Dead , 08 June 2010 · 8 views

Today has been a really scary day. I have always known that I have been sexually abused when I was younger and raped in my life but I thought I could remember everything.

I haven't really slept the past 2 weeks and have had the exact same nightmare about me being sexually abused by a neighbour but thing is I never remembered it happening. I just thought my brain was making up stuff. Until today it's like it all came pouring back.

It actually happend. I even look through old diaries from when I was 8 and there are pages and pages of it. How could I have just blocked it all out? What else have I blocked out of my mind.

I am so scared. I don't want to sleep I don't want to have anymore nightmares I don't want to remember anymore events from my past.

ALL day I have been reliving so much. Remembering so much. It's like all of a sudden my brain as released things from my past and I want it to remain hidden I am not strong enough to deal with anymore.

I am hurting so much. I cannot stop being sick. I am reliving what happend to me...almost able to feel my neighbour again.

I want to run away. I "hurt" myself not long ago and I don't know how much longer I can put it off. I am really triggered.

This whole day has been a mess. My flatmates except my best friend don't understand anything about me they know I SI but do not know why and they do not understand why I dont sleep and when I do its during the day as its when I feel safe. So they are getting angry at me ... yelling at me. My friend understands but I dont want her to tell them and she tells them to back off but then they get angry at her. I feel extreamly guilty.

This day has been going on forever and I have to still get through the night. A night full of reliving everything.

I still cannot comprehend the fact that my brain blocked out something as extream as that. I want to go back to when I couldn't remember. I am scared.

I so badely want to talk to someone. But I can't I dont have anyone.

I want to give up.



July 2014

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Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.