Pandora's Aquarium: It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time - Pandora's Aquarium

I heard the song yesterday More to Life by Stacie Orrico. I listened to the words and it seems very appropriate for today and where I'm at. Here are the lyrics...

I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let it go

There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Trippin' out thinkin' there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... There's gotta be more

(Than wanting more)

I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm half-way out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing

There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Trippin' out thinkin' there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... There's gotta be more

I'm wanting more

I'm always waiting on something other than this
Why am I feelin' like there's something I missed....
Always... Always...

There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Trippin' out thinkin' there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... There's gotta be more

There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Trippin' out thinkin' there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... There's gotta be more

More to life
There's gotta be more to life (more to life)
There's gotta be more to life (more)
More to my life


I've been getting drunk and high everyday. I've been spending time with people who drink like I do. We all joke about it, but it is not funny. At all. I want to ask them if they feel as unhappy as I do, if they put on a mask. Nowadays, I don't even try to look happy. A guy actually bought me a drink because I looked so sad sitting at the bar with my long island. I hate it when they do that because then I'm expected to talk to them all night, which is what happened. It makes me so angry. Last night was especially bad for me. I got waaaay too drunk and I feel like death today. I can't do this anymore. I feel horrible. My therapist said that she thinks it's sad that a 21 year old woman is only concerned about getting her next drink. She's right. I don't want to be like this. I used to be different. Productive, happy, driven. It was in the Air Force, before Korea. I guess 2-3 years is a long time of being miserable and putting on an act for everyone. I miss the military. It's all I've ever wanted to do. It was ripped away from me. I know I could have handled the rape in Korea better. I shouldn't have started drinking and everything else. At the same time, it was my first duty station, in a foreign country with no one I knew, away from family and friends, alone. I was supposed to be strong and be a good Airman. I went to work everyday, worked hard, and then drank until it became too much. I broke, I didn't care about work or the higher ups. It looked to them that I didn't give a shit and was a DBA. They didn't know though. No one did, besides my therapist and ADAPT counselor. They found out when I attempted to kill myself though. When I went to Virginia, they were sympathetic but I was expected to work hard and stop drinking. Langley was so slow paced though. There was nothing to keep me busy. I couldn't stop drinking or doing drugs. How is someone just supposed to stop if it's an addiction. It was my only vice and coping mechinism. Plus, I wasn't ready. An addict won't change if they don't want to. I got an Article 15, was viewed poorly by coworkers and supervision, and completely lost myself...I still drank or used. Then I got out and it was even worse because I had no consequences. I was and still am angry that I got out. My command at Langley didn't want me. It was "suggested" that I go through an MEB. So, I did. I hate that I lost my career, my self esteem, morals/values, self respect, happiness, sense of security, and my youthfulness because of men who rape and drugs/alcohol and my choices. I'm still mourning the loss, especially the military. I can't accept it. I could go back in but I don't think I could do it. I have too many issues now and I wouldn't be confident at all. I feel damaged but I would love to wear the uniform again. I hate seeing people in uniform because it's a reminder that I failed at the one thing I wanted to do in life. I don't want anything else. I hate myself for it and I have resentment towards the military. I guess I think about this a lot. I'm moving into my apartment this week. Hopefully I'll still have the money by then.