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I didn't hear anything about my application for the apartment today. They said it would take 24 hours or so. Maybe I didn't get it. I'll call later today. I guess I'm really nervous to live alone. I think I'll be really scared at night. I mean, here at my parents house, it's safe and there's other people here, yet I'm terrified at night. So here I am in my room, with a nightlite on, door locked, thinking some random person is going to burst in and kill me or something. I think it'll be worse when I move. In the apartment, it feels pretty safe. I got a good vibe from the area. The only thing I don't like is the sliding glass door that's in the bedroom. It makes me a little nervous, but I'm going to get one of those bar locks so it can't be opened. I'll get used to it.
What I can't get used to is this fear that keeps me awake. It consumes me and makes me feel sick. Then I have less of an appetite and get even more tired and think maybe drinking will put me to sleep, which it doesn't. It's just this never ending cycle. I would read or something, but I can't concentrate enough. Instead, I go between laying in the dark, jumping at every sound or getting up to turn the light on and still being afraid. Sometimes I'll drift off, but then wake up abruptly. It's like I need to be alert and watching everything all the time. There's nothing going on though! It's all in my head. I just want it to stop.
2 Comments On This Entry
About my blog
Please note that some of the content here may be triggering.
What I write here is just me being honest with myself. Mostly just venting about things, realisations, and my path through healing.
There will be talk of CSA, SA, R, SI and ED here.
on Jun 23 2012 09:53 PM
Just need to vent
on Jun 18 2012 07:48 PM
It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
on May 08 2012 12:55 PM
Looking forward to some changes
on May 04 2012 08:26 AM
on May 02 2012 10:51 PM