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bellachai and natalie1980 like this

*SIGH*

26 April 2012
Posted by slb720  
I wasn't sure what day it was when I woke up this morning. I drank too much last night and took a melatonin, so I'll be in a fog all day. I feel like I'm still asleep. Everything is confusing and I'm shakey and agitated. This is when I stop using. OR when I feel like killing myself. Either way, I'm stopping again.

The other...
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Used again

23 April 2012
Posted by slb720  
AAGGHHH!!! :banghead: I guess it doesn't matter.

I was watching intervention and got triggered to use. Normally it doesn't happen like that. I was going to be positive this week. I didn't last one day. Instead, I gave in and took some stupid pills. It will help block everything out, but I'll feel worse tomorrow. Right...
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Progress

23 April 2012
Posted by slb720  
Wow, just met with my therapist and it was actually a good session. Maybe there IS a method to her madness. We talked about my low self-esteem and my boyfriend/ex boyfriend. She was actually helpful this time. I am still looking for another therapist to see on the side though.

She wants me to write a compassionate and validating letter to...
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Feeling it today

22 April 2012
Posted by slb720  
I had horrible dreams all night. In them, my dad was infatuated with these three little girls who live by us. He would do anything for them and he was starting to love them. I told him that it's not right for a man in his 40s to have these feelings for little girls and that it's gross. I ended up spying on him and watching what he did. I...
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Sick and tired

21 April 2012
Posted by slb720  
I felt fine for a little while. I didn't think about anything and distracted myself. But today I've been thinking about the assaults and how I don't have anyone to talk to. Weekends seem the hardest. I don't know why, since I'm unemployed, so they should be meaningless. I guess it's because I actually have NOTHING to do. No...
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Posted by slb720  
Unfufilling drinking. Unfufilling sex. Unfufilling binge eating. Repeat.

That's what happened tonight, and normally most nights. My psychiatrist recommended residential treatment again. I don't know if it'll work this time around. I feel hopeless and like a lost cause. I'm calling the place tomorrow. I'm glad it's a womens...
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Weird day

10 April 2012
Posted by slb720  
I feel crazy right now. Today started off good, I vaccumed out my car and got it registered/inspected. Everyone was up and in good moods, it was a nice spring day.

I think everything changed when I went to the ATM to get the money for the registration. I only had around 500 dollars. I know it's because I've been very frivolous with my...
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Posted by slb720  
They say online that they just want sex, then when I respond, they ask me what I do for work, what I do for fun, do I want to go out to dinner...NO! I want to have sex. Nothing more, nothing less. I don't give a shit what you do, what kind of music you like, if you're married, if you have kids. I DO NOT CARE. Shut up and do what you...
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Posted by slb720  
I'm still acting out sexually. It's getting a little out of control. I'm obsessed with it, it's all I think about. I go online all day to find men to have sex with. I line them up on different days of the week. Sometimes I sleep with two in one day. I never sleep with the same person twice. I'm going to do it again tonight....
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Posted by slb720  
My head is just a jumble of thoughts and feelings today. I have a lot of anxiety about life in general right now and what I'm doing.

I have therapy tomorrow. I don't think I like DBT. If I wasn't assaulted again, I think I would have been fine with it, but right now I just want to talk about everything. When I see her and I start...
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About my blog

This is basically my space to spill out everything I'm thinking and feeling.

Please note that some of the content here may be triggering.

What I write here is just me being honest with myself. Mostly just venting about things, realisations, and my path through healing.

There will be talk of CSA, SA, R, SI and ED here.

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