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War

03 April 2012
Posted by crazysanegirl  
I remember war. Not my dad's military war, but a war without a front, a war all around us, a war with the ethos of the polis.

I remember the fathers and daughters - the scene of the infanticide; the bodies, everywhere, sprawled apart; their hands, mouths, gaping and clutching.

I remember war with myself; the fear of seeing him on the...
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Revelation

30 March 2012
Posted by crazysanegirl  
I don't even know what revelation means. I remember as a kid it meant when some holy person came and spoke to you. Like in Fatima. I remember being a kid and my dad driving us through Portugal to Fatima, where three young girls saw the virgin Mary appear in a tree. I remember being disappointed when I found out the tree we saw was a...
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Posted by crazysanegirl  
When I write here. Who am I writing for? Do I want people to read me? Am I just talking to myself? What am I reaching out for? What is this place to me? It's where I go when I'm reflecting on my life... So I can't be wanting people to read me because I'm pretty raw and uncensored and I'm always censored with people. But...
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Give it up

27 March 2012
Posted by crazysanegirl  
Give it up about your dad.
Grow up.
Move on.
Stop living in his shadow.

I'm always progressing.

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Dad 2

25 March 2012
Posted by crazysanegirl  
My dad's the first person who ever broke me.
Military.
At EASE!
Stand up straight
Look ahead
Don't look at me
Look at me
What's that on your boot?
Where?
Not "where?" WHERE SIR
Where, sir?
Polish your boots
Yes sir
Now? - Now, Sir?
Don't you ever come back here with your boots unpolished!

Constantly having to...
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Dad

25 March 2012
Posted by crazysanegirl  
I suppose I should get to the jist of it. My dad. I think he turns up in one of my very first posts. He is the catalyst for everything that has happened in my life. Three days ago, I sent him an email telling him our relationship was over and to not contact me again. This is a man I adore. The first man who ever broke me.

I'm going to...
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This is insanity

24 March 2012
Posted by crazysanegirl  
My best friend used to say that only sane people think they're crazy. Crazy people think they're sane. I always used that to gage whether I was ever off the chart. You know, a lot of us have thought it: maybe I'm insane.

It's crossed my mind more than once. But when I used to talk about what kind of things made me think so, ...
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Milestones

02 March 2012
Posted by crazysanegirl  
We were talking about Quebekers in British Columbia, learning English, speaking it without an accent, Victoria, parliament, and I asked what the name of that bar was, you know, the one with the boat in front? and he said the one with the boat in front? I remember. That was the Milestones. And at that moment I had one of those, you know, eureka...
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Posted by crazysanegirl  
Someone wrote that: "I just wanted to alienate myself". In response to my last entry, wanting to kill myself. Moving to the middle of nowhere. Having to leave nowhere to come back to civilization. Why did I move there in the first place? Yes, because I just wanted to alienate myself. Disappear off the face of the earth.

This...
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Posted by crazysanegirl  
I'm just going to come clean here: I'm seriously considering killing myself. I've been considering it for a long time now. Since 17. I'm 35 today. I'm writing this not as a suicide letter but because I've been freaking out for the past hour trying to see who I could call. I haven't spoken to either of my parents...
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