The light and the dark
I haven't had much to say for a couple of years. I think I've been on here once every six months. I'd type up an entry, save it as draft, go on and live another six months without saying anything.
I'm in a Ph.D. program now. I'm not sure how I got there. I've never really understood how I've ever gotten anywhere. Coming from where I come, I'm not supposed to find my way back.
Prostitution and education. What odd partners. You know, that's how I ended up working as a prostitute in the first place. I was 17 and didn't know how I'd pay my Cegep* fees.
*Cegep is the equivalent of grade 12 and 13 in Quebec.
Then, prostitution paid for my BA and MA. Well, I got loans and bursaries too, but I've never really been good at managing (my) money. As a 17 year old, or as a 24 year old, or even now, as a 37 year old, I've never been able to live the life equivalent to the one I left. My parents never made much money, but I had everything. It seems no matter how much I make, I never have that security.
It's been a hectic few years. Job to job. Quitting really good jobs.
Then, last April, I quit the latest job and returned to the big city to be defined again by the job title I know best: escort. 4.0 GPA; sleeps with men for money. Doesn't know anything else.
But, there's always been this will to survive. I did it - becoming a prostitute again at 36, after a 6-year hiatus - by convincing myself I needed to save up for when I'd be back in school - January. Yup, because along with quitting my job and becoming a "courtesan", my plan also included applying to a Ph.D.
In retrospect, what happened there was likely what my doctor describes as hypomania. It happens to me every year, every six months for a couple of months. I've just come out of the latest episode. What happens after, is you crash.
So right now, I'm crashing; just as I did shortly after applying; just as I did the last time I came here and saved my entry as draft. Because "You'll never get accepted". Yet, I was, and I did so well in my first semester that I have a new collaboration with a professor who thinks I'm all that. Yet, I have no comprehension as to what he could see in me that's "all that".
I feel like a complete failure. From cloud of dreams when the term ended to feeling like I'm falling in an abyss.
I dropped the "courtesan" act in April - when it started filtering in my brain that I actually had an academic future. And that I'm my only barrier to achieving it.
Now, my world is falling apart. I can't help but be drawn back into the story I know best; because I just can't keep it in my head that I deserve to be where I am. I know it when I produce more and more for the people who praise me, while loving every minute of it. I can work 16 hours a day.
And then, bang. Crash. I no longer know anything. I'm no longer able to function.
Since yesterday. A mountain of work likely the trigger; can't put any of it in order...
So, onto beer #2. Smoking. Curtain closed. Summer outdoors.
Can't be out there.
Can only be in the darkness. Don't know how to be in the light I somehow seem to have the touch to create, too.
I just don't know how.
Not saving as draft. Whatever.