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Coming clean post. I did it again. The time between times gets longer and longer though... At least there's that that's positive.
I think the last time was in 2009. And then, one month ago.
I didn't do it for the same reason I did it the other times. Something didn't come over me - something came over me other times when I created websites, blogs, whatever, in the months before. But one month ago, it was just plain cash. I've been out of work since March now... I'm out of it. I didn't want to do it but I did it. It paid the rent. I rationalized it.
Now, I'm thinking about doing it again because I'm a hundred dollars shy from no longer being able to pay the groceries. Just before starting this post I was emailing another ex client. I didn't click send. Fuck it. Come on Pandy's.
Here I am.
To talk to me, I guess.
So it isn't easy, but you'll find some other way.
I'm scared though.
Anxiety through the roof. Broke down at my doctor's office today when he pointed out I'd written my name wrong on a form.
Like I'm breaking apart from me.
Oh God, let me be like the birds that you feed...
Mathew 6:25-27
I think the last time was in 2009. And then, one month ago.
I didn't do it for the same reason I did it the other times. Something didn't come over me - something came over me other times when I created websites, blogs, whatever, in the months before. But one month ago, it was just plain cash. I've been out of work since March now... I'm out of it. I didn't want to do it but I did it. It paid the rent. I rationalized it.
Now, I'm thinking about doing it again because I'm a hundred dollars shy from no longer being able to pay the groceries. Just before starting this post I was emailing another ex client. I didn't click send. Fuck it. Come on Pandy's.
Here I am.
To talk to me, I guess.
So it isn't easy, but you'll find some other way.
I'm scared though.
Anxiety through the roof. Broke down at my doctor's office today when he pointed out I'd written my name wrong on a form.
Like I'm breaking apart from me.
Oh God, let me be like the birds that you feed...
Mathew 6:25-27
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3 Comments On This Entry
if you ever need someone to talk to, i'm here (: i know my situation is probably a bit different from yours, but still. always helps to have someone to vent with.
kjw9311,
26 November 2012 - 09:20 PM
I have this same compulsion, but I am so drawn in to it. Ugh. I think you are strong for stopping! Really st 
rong!
rong!
endlessocean,
29 November 2012 - 03:40 AM
Thanks for your words both of us. Especially the word 'strong' 
Put a smile on my face...
Put a smile on my face...
crazysanegirl,
01 December 2012 - 01:24 PM
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