That's all I can think of.
Last night too, but I fell into classical music. Like literally. Hard to explain, but I was able to breathe. Craving for smoke, alcohol, whatever destroys me, gone. I sat for a while. Tried that meditation thing I've wished I could do for so long. Worked. I think. Saw images, soothing. Saw other stuff try to seep in - stress. Remembered the zen book I'd read, saw them as brain waves, let them roll, like the tide to the beach, and they did.
Classical music on radio channel off now. Am stuck with the feeling. Like my insides are about to spill out. No, raw. Like the outside trying to get it. The feel of air on a scrape. You know, when the skin is raw and shiny. If you blow on it a little, it burns.
I feel like I'm burning inside.
I feel like there is literally something in me. Something with my liver or something with my lung. Something not right, that's for sure. Something I created by imagining it there. I remember when I was 18. The dream. I was at a horse race and I fell off a horse. Another horse ran over me - on my side. I've felt the pain there ever since. Like that was the moment cancer had started.
Wasn't it? Isn't that when I met Nick? Nick the pimp who made me pimp. I don't know when it was. No it couldn't have been with him; it was before; it was when I was still with my first boyfriend. I'm in Cegep (grade 12)... I'm trying
I'm trying to figure out a way to pay the semester.
God. This hurts.
Ok, so I was 18, I was in a private college because I'd gotten expelled from the public system. I went to two other schools before - this was after I ran away. I had to drop out both times. But I never deregistered from the courses. So I had a series of zeros. When I went to apply a third time I was refused. So that's why the private school. And that's when I remember was the first time I saw a doctor.
Ok, another breakthrough. Links.
18, private college, how to pay, stress.
Stress, turn to prostitution.
This is exactly what I do today.
18, private college, stress, call the agency.
Agency, I see all black. A big black hole. I want to skip over agency.
Agency before 18. Then there was a pause. Boyfriend. I don't prostitute myself anymore (he doesn't know).
Is that even true? I don't remember. Things are all mixed up.
Anyway, I just know there was a pause between when I got in and when I did it again and met Nick-the-cancer.
I must have met Nick when I was still in Cegep... So I was right the first time.
Pain. Pain in my side. Pain inside. Nick made me feel so much pain.
I wish he were dead. Then that causes me pain because I am not proud with myself. Being proud means I don't give into emotion. I don't be like them, lower myself to their level. I don't let it get to me. I have faith in karma. But Karma's a bitch because you don't know if it exists.
Talk. Now I'm going around in tangents because I don't want to go where I was going.
Stress. That's what I started with.
Smoking, drinking, prostitution.
Stress right now: 1) my appartment 2) job.
My appartment: moved here one month ago. 2 1/2. Smallest place I've ever lived in. But I chose it. Wanted to live 'simple'. No more 'stuff'. Wanted the least space possible to have as little as possible. But then, try furnishing that. Anyway, one month of nightmare.
Nightmare I create for myself.
Job. Good job #2, quit. On unemployment. Been doing nothing but internet and creating a "cocoon" for an appartment I can't seem to cocoon in.
Stress. Worry. Worry, worry, worry.
What ifs all over the place.
Create courtisane website.
That's the timeline of my latest creation. 3 weeks ago. It's gone now, but I want it back.
I'm trying to break that pattern.
But breaking the freestyle instead.