I've had a relationship with "God" my whole life. The kid me had a mostly adoring relationship. And fearing relationship. I was exposed to God as early as I could read. I remember the illustrated Old Testament; the burning tree, the ocean as far as the eye could see, the 10 commandments. The woman in a blue dress, standing; a little girl holding her hand; the giant stones surrounded by clouds; "respect your parents." I remember the woman pointing to it. I remember I had to be submissive like them.
It's been mostly a debate on whether God exists or not since "it" happened. I can't capitalize he because I'm still on the fence. But I talk to him all the time. I tell him I believe in Him; I tell him I don't believe in him.
A few days ago I googled "quit smoking" and ended up on a "quit smoking with God" website. I started reading getting ready to laugh, expecting the 2 for 1 pitch any minute. Like I would be invited to by some book, some tape, some message people don't give for free. But there was never anything to sell. I read - in the little I read because I don't want to believe - something about having to tell the devil to get out. Out of us. The cravings came from him. The devil was out to make us destroy our own castle. And tonight, like I do once every couple of months when I'm not doing well and I talk to him a lot more, I said it wasn't the devil in me making me smoke, it was my lack of faith in him.
Funny thing happens in my life a lot: I'm looking for something and just can't find it. I will tear the house apart; find whatever I was looking for right where I first started looking. It especially happens often with lighters. There's even a running joke: lighters are like the second sock that makes the pair. You know, the one that always disappears in the dryer? like tonight. When I couldn't find it I said ha, think I'm going to believe that's you? Because I just so happen to be reading something about how he can help me and how I am not helping myself. Then I saw Mary. A statue of Mary made by my grand-father's father, that's been lying around because I just moved here and there are many things all over the house. I took her. I got in my zen place, where I just breathe. The craving went away. But that wasn't the revelation.
I put the statue down. Went back to write something here. Got back up, went to the stove and turned in on and said see, despite that moment I just had I still don't believe you. I lit up, went back to my bed because I still don't have a desk. Where's the lighter. Plain sight. But right before seeing it my eyes crossed the statue of Mary. So it went like Mary told me something in the Fatima tree.
I don't know what to think of it. Even after that, I lit up a couple more.
Edit a few days later: just that fact that I'm even wondering if this was a revelation, well, that makes me feel more on the crazy part of me.