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I need to say more. Passed by a few times. Posted. Clicked 'draft'. Left.
I've been out of words because of Isa but also because they're all being used up in my thesis. 4 pages away. 4 pages away from what I thought was impossible. I'm tired but proud.
At the same time, anxiety. Worries about old ways. Not *those* ways, but that way I have of always believing everything is connected.
I tried to talk about it with Mrs. E last session. I said: sometimes I want to talk to you about that thing where I say I see connections but I'm worried.' Worried about what? "Psychiatry labels". We already know that my doctor thinks I'm bipolar and I think he's nuts. Ok, I have mood swings, but they have nothing to do with my brain chemistry. There's always a trigger. I think Mrs. E believes, like me, that I'm not bipolar. I've never had a problem talking about that. But the links thing? I never talk about it with anybody. I stopped talking about it when Isabelle told to stop talking in terms of systems. That worried me, when she said that.
Mrs. E said that talking about it would make it real. I'm not quite sure what she meant by that. Something about the usefulness of repressing stuff. Not really any payoff. If I talk about the big, black, scary things, there's never a big void that materializes in front of me, which would convey the feeling I get when I think about those things in my head. When you talk about it, it becomes real and it's not scary anymore... Something like that.
The links thing worries me because of its association to schizophrenia.
See, right there, just that mention, it made me stop.