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But I space out at different levels... Sometimes, I become numb, other times, I become overly present, alert, promiscuous. Both cases involved regressing in my mind. In the first, to run away from the man I can't physically run away from; in the second, to get 'into character' and seduce him. That second level... that's this pseudo-split-personality thing I've mentionned before. The trigger for that? Being rejected.
If a man pushes me back, I bring the show on. If he owns the show, I disappear.
What does the 'brings the show on' me look like?
Like a little girl; perhaps the 8 year old I once spoke about here... It's playful, it bats its eyelashes and huddles onto your lap. Once it sees your hooked, it calls in the vixen, who gives you the time of your life.
What does the me who disappears look like?
Like that 8 year old for sure; a turtle who's been startled. It's limbs and head retracted inside. It's senses shut down.
In both cases, it's remembered as a movie, half asleep; it's brief flashes of sets, faces, and lights instead of story-lined events you can play over in your mind later.
Not much else to say. Just needed to write this down. I'll come back to it later.