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Posted by crazysanegirl , 08 December 2009 · 18 views

I recently learned of a nuance in French between two words: 'alcoolique' and 'ivrogne'. I thought they were synonyms. I love words and I'm always pleasantly surprised whenever I learn that a word common in my vocabulary didn't quite have the meaning I'd thought it had until then. Or when I learn a new word and all of a sudden I see it everywhere, as if the fact of learning its definition suddenly projected it into reality. Or understanding the root of a word and instantly knowing the definition of an unknown same-rooted word. I like words, I guess, because we all like the greener grass of our neighbour's lawn; because I can't speak them like others do so well.

'Alcoolique' means the same thing as alcoholic in English. 'Ivrogne', on the other hand, means someone who drinks excessively. Nuance. An alcoholic can be an 'ivrogne', but an 'ivrogne' is not necessarily an alcoholic. Google Translation translates the word as 'drunkard', but that doesn't quite convey its meaning in French, at least, not according to this definition: 'a person who is habitually drunk.' 'Binge drinker' is starting to sound more like it, but not quite, because like 'drunkard', it implies repetitiveness. 'Ivrogne', in French, is basically someone who gets drunk with the purpose of getting drunk, if that makes any sense. That's me, and very suiting since I tend to believe normal people think I make no sense.

So I'm an ivrogne. I often decide that 'today I'm just going to drink' with the only purpose of getting drunk and deriving no pleasure from it. Just to knock myself out. Just because I don't want to face life. I don't do it every day; I don't do it every binge-drinking typical day, Friday, or even every other binge-drinking, typical day, Friday. And I'm not just an ivrogne when it comes to alcohol. I've been one with drugs - cocaine and pot primarily. I've been one with prostitution too. The way it works? I just decide: 'I need to get a high' and I do it excessively.

I called a 1-800-help-me-find-help-cuz-I'm-an-addict number once and they couldn't help me because I didn't fit the profile of an addict. I'll drink for two weeks, from dawn till dusk, then, I'll snap out of it and back into reality for 2 months, until I feel like shit again and feel like numbing myself dead. If not alcohol, I'll abuse of something more intoxicated like the drugs listed above (although cocaine has been out of the picture for years for reasons related to 'really not nice to wake up the next morning'). I've never done any drug for any permanent period, but I've done them into oblivion more times than I can count. So when I called the 1-800-help-me line after a week of 'I feel like being a coke addict', one of those times I lost track of, I couldn't get referred to any help/detox program/center because that's not the way it works. The way it works is that you're not supposed to stop. You're supposed to crave it all the time. Get high full-time, part time? No help for you.

I do it with prostitution too, like I said. I haven't done it since, I think... let me recollect, um, exactly this time of the year last year. I almost did it. I started a blog. I lured some potential clients in with my unusual marketing strategy: playing the girl who's never done this work before, writing a 'the making of a high-class hooker' diary. I was then lured by one of the lurees. The moment we met, last Saturday, I felt sick to my stomach. That doesn't happen with alcohol. I don't go and buy it and come home and get all offended by the look of the bottle. I got offended by the look of the client - well, more precisely by the fact of his being a client and me being his potential whore. I got so offended that I left after our uninspiring dinner (because in my high-class hooker imagination, the date starts with good food and good wine). Something was 'off' with him. I was. Because as it turns out, I'm not a whore.

I tried to go through with it but couldn't. I guess I've hit the age when reason defeats passion no matter how sirenly the latter calls.

That sucks. Because I'm then stuck with alcohol. I'd take the pot, except these days, I'm not in the mood.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that those 1-800-help-me people just don't know the difference between one-substance addicts and addicts to addiction. That's who I am: an ivrogne.

Now that you know, work on it, N.

Next blog entry, maybe you should focus on why you get drunk, or high, to better lure and be lured by lurees because you're uninhibited when you're not your regular straigth, non-whore with-a-future-ahead-of-you self.


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