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I actually physically divide the two. When I talk about my life experiences, I locate them on the left side of me; when I talk about her's (or the 'other's, as I like to call her), to the right. Mrs. E., had she not been listening to me during one of our sessions, could tell you who I was talking about just by observing my body language; by looking at where my hands were speaking.
Last week I saw Mrs. E. and I said something, like I often do, that surprised me. "But the good side is superior to the bad." What did I mean by that? You know, sometimes we talk without thinking and only grasp the weight of our words later. I was talking about money and debt, and prostitution and fear, and desire, and objectivity: that this time I could beat the urge. I said that I was still persevering, still trying to finish the Masters and not going back to being that highclass hooker that's solved all my financial problems before; that I was still alive, unlike my best friend, who recently hung herself, because the good side of me, the one that doesn't think I'm a whore and knows I'm good for something is superior to the bad side; the side that manipulates men; that revels more in the power she gains from the exchange than in the money.
How do you beat an urge? You look for the pattern. You break it into a million pieces over 15 years. You put it back together. You see that this relates to this and that relates to that, and in the end, that you're whole life is just a set of circomstances.
Circumstances lead to patterns. Patterns like seeking self-destruction whenever life-shit hits the fan.
What does all this mean? I don't know. Maybe I'll understand later.