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just not dealing atm

Posted by tamz , 23 November 2012 · 33 views

I swear I've been here before. Same feelings, same actions - the ones I thought I'd gotten over / dealt with countless times but no matter what I do, I always seem to end up back in this place - feeling rubbish, scared, not coping, self harming, feeling bad about self harming and goodness knows what other feelings.

It's a silly reason to be back here this time too. My friend and I were talking and he's a virgin and keeps telling me how he wants to lose it. He never used to care about it, I thought he'd be one of those guys who'd want to wait until marriage. I told him I *think* I want to wait and he says good luck finding a guy who'll wait. But he didn't say it in a nice way, in a sort of condescending, never gonna happen, kind of way. That made me feel really rubbish, like we have no choice in the matter. And it's all gone downhill from there.

A while ago I mentioned to my university chaplain that something bad had happened a few years ago and then last week I decided I did want to talk to him about it so I sent him an email. We've arranged to meet up on my next day off to talk through things. A few nights later, I started thinking about things that had happened with one of my ex's and got really upset. Then I had a really f*cked up dream:

I was at the chaplaincy and for some reason I was upstairs doing some uni work or something. The chaplain said he wasn't going to be there that night but later on when I briefly went downstairs, I saw him and thought it was a bit weird that he'd turned up. So I went back upstairs and the lights were off. I heard someone in the corridor and he said hi and it was the chaplain. I told him to put the light on if he wanted. We were having a chat and next thing I know, we were in a room that had beds in. He's a good looking guy and we ended up kissing which I must admit, I liked in my dream (would utterly freak me out in real life). When we were kissing, I noticed he had cuts on the top of his arm. They looked like they had literally just been done and they were really bad. I asked what happened (as if I didn't know) and he said he did it himself. When asked why, he said it was because of what I'd told him (about the abuse) and he was upset about it :( Next thing I know, we're talking about sex and I said we shouldn't be doing this because of his wife. And he said so what and said I didn't want to do this because he was married AND the fact that me and him obviously weren't. But then he was on top of me, having sex with with. R*ping me. And I was lying there thinking, I can't believe this is happening, I knew I shouldn't have told him, I knew something was up and that I couldn't trust him.

When I woke up then, I was really upset and triggered by it all. Had a bit of an argument with my friend that evening and then emailed the chaplain to say I wasn't coping and told him about the self harm - that was absolutely terrifying. He's been really busy so I haven't heard back from him yet, still terrified of seeing him next week :( Ended up self harming again :(

I had another strange dream a few nights ago. I was in work and we had like a team meeting sort of thing. I leant over the table to reach something and my sleeve rolled up, exposing my scars and some fresh cuts. One of the guys saw and asked what on earth happened. I went really awkward, looking down and attempted to pull my sleeve down but for some reason it was stuck for a while. Luckily, no one else heard. I didn't know what to say and then he came around closer to me and asked, in a really caring way, do you wanna have a chat later. I was really scared and freaking out about the fact he knew and wanted to talk. But then as the day went on, I was walking around and realised he'd gone. And I realised that I did actually want to talk to him, that I was gutted he'd left.

So today then in work IRL, I remembered my dream and also that he would be working today. It was really strange. He's a really lovely guy and it was almost as if because he'd found out in my dream, I really wanted to talk to him IRL. Weird, I know. The dream also made me think, I think a part of me does want someone in real life to notice, to ask. But then, that would be really attention seeking and totally NOT the reason I self harm. When I think about it, I don't know why I self harm. The fact that I do, makes me really angry. I don't understand why I do it. A part of me thinks it's for control. When everything's going wrong, when you just feel like utter rubbish, it's someway to control the emotions. Except it's not, because then I get put into a vicious circle where I feel crap and then end up doing it more. Really, IT controls me, not the other way around.

And then I don't understand my emotions. It's like this morning for example, I was really upset and just didn't know what to think. Then, when I got to work, I was really really happy. And then a few hours later, I was exhausted, just had enough and wanted to go home. It's so confusing. I don't understand what I've got to be upset about anyway. My best friend is heavily pregnant so absolutely exhausted, one of my other friends is dealing with a really rubbish situation at home, yet another friend is also having a rough time with his mum AND his dad having quite major surgery recently. And it makes me think, what on earth have I got to be feeling so pooey about?

Ugh this has become really long, just really need to let my emotions out.

content warning

I will try to keep any reference to specific SI behaviour to a minimum however reference to the assault will not always be censored. I don't want to trigger anyone so just want you to be warned. Most of the time it will be okay but just so you are aware. Take gentle care.

December 2014

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