just not dealing atm
It's a silly reason to be back here this time too. My friend and I were talking and he's a virgin and keeps telling me how he wants to lose it. He never used to care about it, I thought he'd be one of those guys who'd want to wait until marriage. I told him I *think* I want to wait and he says good luck finding a guy who'll wait. But he didn't say it in a nice way, in a sort of condescending, never gonna happen, kind of way. That made me feel really rubbish, like we have no choice in the matter. And it's all gone downhill from there.
A while ago I mentioned to my university chaplain that something bad had happened a few years ago and then last week I decided I did want to talk to him about it so I sent him an email. We've arranged to meet up on my next day off to talk through things. A few nights later, I started thinking about things that had happened with one of my ex's and got really upset. Then I had a really f*cked up dream:
I was at the chaplaincy and for some reason I was upstairs doing some uni work or something. The chaplain said he wasn't going to be there that night but later on when I briefly went downstairs, I saw him and thought it was a bit weird that he'd turned up. So I went back upstairs and the lights were off. I heard someone in the corridor and he said hi and it was the chaplain. I told him to put the light on if he wanted. We were having a chat and next thing I know, we were in a room that had beds in. He's a good looking guy and we ended up kissing which I must admit, I liked in my dream (would utterly freak me out in real life). When we were kissing, I noticed he had cuts on the top of his arm. They looked like they had literally just been done and they were really bad. I asked what happened (as if I didn't know) and he said he did it himself. When asked why, he said it was because of what I'd told him (about the abuse) and he was upset about it Next thing I know, we're talking about sex and I said we shouldn't be doing this because of his wife. And he said so what and said I didn't want to do this because he was married AND the fact that me and him obviously weren't. But then he was on top of me, having sex with with. R*ping me. And I was lying there thinking, I can't believe this is happening, I knew I shouldn't have told him, I knew something was up and that I couldn't trust him.
When I woke up then, I was really upset and triggered by it all. Had a bit of an argument with my friend that evening and then emailed the chaplain to say I wasn't coping and told him about the self harm - that was absolutely terrifying. He's been really busy so I haven't heard back from him yet, still terrified of seeing him next week Ended up self harming again
I had another strange dream a few nights ago. I was in work and we had like a team meeting sort of thing. I leant over the table to reach something and my sleeve rolled up, exposing my scars and some fresh cuts. One of the guys saw and asked what on earth happened. I went really awkward, looking down and attempted to pull my sleeve down but for some reason it was stuck for a while. Luckily, no one else heard. I didn't know what to say and then he came around closer to me and asked, in a really caring way, do you wanna have a chat later. I was really scared and freaking out about the fact he knew and wanted to talk. But then as the day went on, I was walking around and realised he'd gone. And I realised that I did actually want to talk to him, that I was gutted he'd left.
So today then in work IRL, I remembered my dream and also that he would be working today. It was really strange. He's a really lovely guy and it was almost as if because he'd found out in my dream, I really wanted to talk to him IRL. Weird, I know. The dream also made me think, I think a part of me does want someone in real life to notice, to ask. But then, that would be really attention seeking and totally NOT the reason I self harm. When I think about it, I don't know why I self harm. The fact that I do, makes me really angry. I don't understand why I do it. A part of me thinks it's for control. When everything's going wrong, when you just feel like utter rubbish, it's someway to control the emotions. Except it's not, because then I get put into a vicious circle where I feel crap and then end up doing it more. Really, IT controls me, not the other way around.
And then I don't understand my emotions. It's like this morning for example, I was really upset and just didn't know what to think. Then, when I got to work, I was really really happy. And then a few hours later, I was exhausted, just had enough and wanted to go home. It's so confusing. I don't understand what I've got to be upset about anyway. My best friend is heavily pregnant so absolutely exhausted, one of my other friends is dealing with a really rubbish situation at home, yet another friend is also having a rough time with his mum AND his dad having quite major surgery recently. And it makes me think, what on earth have I got to be feeling so pooey about?
Ugh this has become really long, just really need to let my emotions out.