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I remember the first time my ex put his hand up my top. I didn't even realise he had done it! How stupid am I! When I realised what he had done, I felt seriously uncomfortable with it. It felt too soon to be doing things like that. But I couldn't say anything, what was I supposed to say, oh I didn't realise you were doing it but could you please stop? I let him carry on, but I didn't like. From there, things progressed too quickly and still I didn't say no. I guess when I think about it, I was pressurised into having sex too young, I shouldn't have done it, any of it.
There were times when he wanted to and I really didn't. I told him this but he would say things like, well, if you loved me you'd let me. Or, well if you wanted to and I didn't then we still should. We're in a relationship, we don't just do it when you want to etc. I never would have wanted to sleep with him if he didn't want to. I didn't want him forcing himself to! There were times when he accused me of cheating on him and at that point I never would have even considered doing such a thing! He'd say things like, well you never want to with me, are you getting it from someone else? His constant pressure would get to me and we'd just do something anyway, me just lying there, virtually numb, only doing it to shut him up. At times I felt like a bloody sex toy, his possession, to use as he pleased.
Then there was the problem of the pain. He knew full well that there were times when it hurt me down there to have sex. I'd tell him no because I didn't want it to hurt, but he kept saying we should at least try, how is it supposed to get any better if we don't try? Again, I would succumb to the pressure and give in. I'd lie there, desperately trying to stop the flow of tears because that was how much physical pain I was in. He knew this, but he'd still carry on. Sometimes he would ask me if I was okay, if I wanted him to stop. I'd feel bad for saying to stop so I'd say I was fine and not to worry about it. He knew I was in pain, it was obvious by the way I said it, the way my face looked, but he'd still carry on, pounding away like I was his little doll until he was done.
And don't even get me started on H. The first time we had sex, I was still in a relationship with my ex. It shouldn't have happened, but it did. I swore I would never do it again. I can't remember much of the future acts, but I remember beforehand. Whenever I saw him again, he'd assume we would have sex. He would ask me and when I said no he would ask me why not. I told him because I was still in a relationship. To be perfectly honest, I didn't have feelings for him like that, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings. He knew I was sleeping with someone else at the time and would always use that against me. Well, you're sleeping with E so why won't you sleep with me? You've done it before etc etc. He wore me down, constantly telling me how rejected he felt. After I'd broken up with my ex, the thing he would use on me then was, well, you did it in a relationship why won't you do it now you're single? I hated the fact he would always bring things up. I don't even know why I continued to bother with him. I guess because he "helped" me through my depression, I wanted to keep talking to him. There were times I'd tell him over and over that I didn't want to do anything with him, but eventually I would give in and we would end up back at his place. Throughout the whole act, I'd feel uncomfortable. I would do things to him, he would do things to me. I wanted out of the whole situation(s) but I didn't know how to. I should've said no, stop it, but I didn't!
When I last slept with E, he seemed uncomfortable by my jokey comments of no you won't. He double checked that I was okay with what was happening. He ensured I knew the safe word for if I was uncomfortable at any point. And to be perfectly honest, even before he knew what had happened, he always made sure I was comfortable with what was happening.
With E, I know what is happening is right, that it is okay. But with the others, where is the line? What is actually right and what is actually wrong? I find myself struggling so much to answer that question. I just have no clue where the line is anymore.