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My memories are blurred. Period. Sometimes I find myself questioning whether what I remember is what really happened. There are times when I wish what I remember isn't true, that it didn't happen that way. Because if it didn't happen that way, it's not as bad. E believing me and telling me that it is SA, it validates me. Likewise, me reading about SA validates me. I read it and I think, woah. That is what happened with me. And it hurts to think that it is SA. Hurts to think that someone so close to me, someone I trusted in some of my darkest hours, would even consider doing this to me, let alone actually doing it. I don't like it. I wish the pain would go away. I wish I could turn back time and change what happened.
I seriously can not deal with what happened. I find myself in tears all the time. I think before, I felt unjustified feeling the way I did. I felt like I was overreacting and had no right to feel like that and felt trapped within my emotions. Now I feel different. I know I have a right to feel the way I do. I feel validated, by E's response, people here's response and also reading about it for myself. I don't know how to deal with these feelings.
I seriously can not deal with what happened. I find myself in tears all the time. I think before, I felt unjustified feeling the way I did. I felt like I was overreacting and had no right to feel like that and felt trapped within my emotions. Now I feel different. I know I have a right to feel the way I do. I feel validated, by E's response, people here's response and also reading about it for myself. I don't know how to deal with these feelings.
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content warning
I will try to keep any reference to specific SI behaviour to a minimum however reference to the assault will not always be censored. I don't want to trigger anyone so just want you to be warned. Most of the time it will be okay but just so you are aware. Take gentle care.
Do you find it helps to talk to the person who knows? I've told E, but I haven't seen / spoken to him since. Sometimes I think it would help to talk to him about it again, other times I find myself just wanting to leave it. I don't know.
Sending hugs back if okay