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finally told someone

Posted by tamz , 05 May 2010 · 30 views

Well, I did it! I finally found the courage to tell someone. My best friend (E) asked me what happened with me and the guy who did this to me (H). I told him not to just ask me because he felt obligated to but he said he wanted to know. My hands were shaking so badly when I went to type something and I almost started crying before I even said anything. I felt scared of his reaction and wasn't sure whether I should or not. I don't know why, but my hand automatically went up to my arm and it felt a comfort to hold it there. It's like a trigger for the SI. I asked my girl best friend if she found it helped speaking out about things and she said it did so I decided to tell him. To be fair I really did need to. One of the last things I said was, and I have no idea why it gets to me so much, but it just does. His response was because it's sexual assault bordering on rape! Jeez, I never expected that. I guess with my ex, I got used to hearing that I had no right to feel the way I did, I just expected to hear it with this too. I didn't expect him to understand. When he said that, I just started crying. Crying, because it felt like such a relief to have told him and for him to understand, and crying because of what he had said. He made it seem so much worse than it was (or did he?). Not just slight tears in my eyes, but proper crying quite badly. He asked me if I was working tomorrow and what time and at first I felt like, why is he asking me this, I just told you a massive part of my life and you're just dismissing it. But then he asked if I wanted to go over for cuddles. Aww bless him :) Managed to cheer me up and calm me down by talking about my abominabal sense of direction :)

Driving over, at first I felt okay, happy that I was going to see him. But then as I got closer, I felt scared. What if he wanted to talk about it? I kept thinking about how I wanted to talk about it but then I get scared when I talk about it. It seems even more real. It's almost as if, if I don't talk about it, I can kind of pretend it didn't happen. I get upset and I don't like being upset, crying in front of him.

He asked me if I'd thought about going to the police. I can't, it's not like they'll believe me anyway, it's not like I have any proof of what happened. It's my word against his. I find myself defending him. I don't know why. He doesn't deserve that. But I find myself thinking well what if they do believe me, that could mess up his career. But what about me? What about me that has been messed up.

It felt good to be there. To be cuddling someone that actually knew what I had been through. E is the first person I've told, and probably will be the only person for a while. I felt like he understood me and wanted to fully support me. He kept hugging me tightly, and I felt safe. Safer than I've felt in a long time. There were times when I almost started crying, but I didn't, because I felt safe in his arms. I love being there. There were times in the middle of the night when I felt so alone. It's normal for me to cry in the evening, hug up to my duvet. I couldn't do that there so it felt strange and unsettling. But there were times that he would be pretty much asleep, roll over and give me a massive hug.

Sorry if TMI but; We had sex in the morning. We were messing around and completely joking with this. He told me to turn over and I said no and he said well if you don't turn over i'll wrestle you over. I said no you won't, completely messing around. He seemed a little awkward and backed off a little. He was like, is that a consensual wrestle or non consensual? Because I really don't want to be like H. I felt a little awkward and upset that he'd mentioned it but it made me realise that he cares. It made me realise that normal guys aren't like that. Normal guys care if you don't want to do something, and they don't want to do anything either if you aren't comfortable with it. He's the only person I feel comfortable having sex with now since what happened with H. I'm glad he knows. Because at least now he can understand why I'm more clingy at the moment, can understand why sometimes I find it hard to do anything. Most of all, it feels good to be understood and believed by someone close to me. :) Even though we're not together, it feels good to have such an amazing person in my life :)

content warning

I will try to keep any reference to specific SI behaviour to a minimum however reference to the assault will not always be censored. I don't want to trigger anyone so just want you to be warned. Most of the time it will be okay but just so you are aware. Take gentle care.

July 2016

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