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Driving over, at first I felt okay, happy that I was going to see him. But then as I got closer, I felt scared. What if he wanted to talk about it? I kept thinking about how I wanted to talk about it but then I get scared when I talk about it. It seems even more real. It's almost as if, if I don't talk about it, I can kind of pretend it didn't happen. I get upset and I don't like being upset, crying in front of him.
He asked me if I'd thought about going to the police. I can't, it's not like they'll believe me anyway, it's not like I have any proof of what happened. It's my word against his. I find myself defending him. I don't know why. He doesn't deserve that. But I find myself thinking well what if they do believe me, that could mess up his career. But what about me? What about me that has been messed up.
It felt good to be there. To be cuddling someone that actually knew what I had been through. E is the first person I've told, and probably will be the only person for a while. I felt like he understood me and wanted to fully support me. He kept hugging me tightly, and I felt safe. Safer than I've felt in a long time. There were times when I almost started crying, but I didn't, because I felt safe in his arms. I love being there. There were times in the middle of the night when I felt so alone. It's normal for me to cry in the evening, hug up to my duvet. I couldn't do that there so it felt strange and unsettling. But there were times that he would be pretty much asleep, roll over and give me a massive hug.
Sorry if TMI but; We had sex in the morning. We were messing around and completely joking with this. He told me to turn over and I said no and he said well if you don't turn over i'll wrestle you over. I said no you won't, completely messing around. He seemed a little awkward and backed off a little. He was like, is that a consensual wrestle or non consensual? Because I really don't want to be like H. I felt a little awkward and upset that he'd mentioned it but it made me realise that he cares. It made me realise that normal guys aren't like that. Normal guys care if you don't want to do something, and they don't want to do anything either if you aren't comfortable with it. He's the only person I feel comfortable having sex with now since what happened with H. I'm glad he knows. Because at least now he can understand why I'm more clingy at the moment, can understand why sometimes I find it hard to do anything. Most of all, it feels good to be understood and believed by someone close to me. :) Even though we're not together, it feels good to have such an amazing person in my life :)