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There are times when I want to tell someone, and times when I don't. But the times when I do, I just can't. I can't find the words. I feel like even if I do tell someone, they won't believe me. What if they think I'm just making it up, or maybe that my memories are fuzzy and it didn't happen the way I think it did. I'll admit, my memories are blurred, I guess my mind has tried to blank out the bad times in my life. There are times when I have to think really hard about did it really happen that way or am I making it up? But I know that it did happen that way. The day after, when it was still fresh in my mind, I wrote it all down, wanted to get it out on paper, so even if my current memories are fuzzy, I know that piece of paper tells the truth of exactly what happened.
I think sometimes people may think I'm over reacting and being pathetic for feeling the way I do. I feel like they'll tell me I don't have any right to feel like this. When they died, even though I didn't know them like a best friend, I was still incredibly upset by what happened. I told myself I had no right to be feeling the way I did because J knew them better and J didn't appear to be upset by it. I told myself it was stupid and pathetic to feel like that. I already felt like this and for J to turn around and tell me the same thing, it made me feel worse. It meant I didn't allow myself to heal. When my counsellor told me that I did have every right to feel like that, it made it better. It didn't happen instantly but after a while, I began to accept that it was okay to get upset about it. Just because J wasn't openly upset about it, didn't mean he wasn't bothered and it didn't mean I didn't have a right to be more upset by it. Eventually I accepted that when I cried, it was okay, didn't mean that there was anything wrong with me and that it's okay that little things still upset me at times. The one time I was doing the housework and just randomly burst into tears, two days before the one year mark. I thought, okay, this is random, but it's okay to feel like this. Even on the one year mark, when J basically told me again it was stupid to feel upset by it, I managed to ignore him.
I can't go through that again. To me, the pain is real, even if it doesn't seem like it to others. At first I blamed myself, I guess I still do, and I'm still struggling with the concept that what happened was very wrong, what happened, it shouldn't have and that the only person in the wrong that night was him. I still find it hard to comprehend what happened. There are times when I am embarrassed and ashamed by it. There are times when I get angry, at first with him, then at myself. I have no idea why myself, but I guess because I let it happen, I should have stopped it, but I was too scared to, I just froze. If someone told me that I was pathetic and had no right to feel like that, it would set me back again. I know if people knew the true extent of my feelings they would think that, sometimes I do too, but it isn't going to help the healing process by people saying that or by me knowing they think it even if they don't say it.
I don't want people to see me differently because of what happened or because of the way I feel about the situation. I am still the same person. I can't change what happened, I wish more than almost anything that I could, but I can't!
There are times when I think it's my problem, no one elses. If I were to tell them and they were to believe me, is it really fair on them? Should I really place that burden on them? Especially if I were to tell them the extent to which it has affected me. It happened to me, not them.
Sometimes I really want someone to know what I'm going through. There are times when I think if no one knows, then it didn't happen, but that's wrong. It did happen and there are times when I feel so alone that only me and him know that. It's all I think about sometimes, just having someone else to confide in. I thought if he knew how I felt, it would make things better. But it didn't, it made it worse. He made out that what happened, it was my fault and he isn't too blame. It's not my fault, I know that now. But it hurt so much for him to not even realise what he had done, for him to not even see the smallest problem with anything he'd done and to have a huge problem with me, just for being there. What if it makes me feel worse with someone else knowing? Once it's out there, there's no taking it back. When I think about it, I get so scared about what their reaction might be, I feel even more trapped within my emotions, for I know, however much I want to, for the reasons above there is no way I can tell anyone what happened. And then it begs the question, did it really happen if no one knows about it?
I think sometimes people may think I'm over reacting and being pathetic for feeling the way I do. I feel like they'll tell me I don't have any right to feel like this. When they died, even though I didn't know them like a best friend, I was still incredibly upset by what happened. I told myself I had no right to be feeling the way I did because J knew them better and J didn't appear to be upset by it. I told myself it was stupid and pathetic to feel like that. I already felt like this and for J to turn around and tell me the same thing, it made me feel worse. It meant I didn't allow myself to heal. When my counsellor told me that I did have every right to feel like that, it made it better. It didn't happen instantly but after a while, I began to accept that it was okay to get upset about it. Just because J wasn't openly upset about it, didn't mean he wasn't bothered and it didn't mean I didn't have a right to be more upset by it. Eventually I accepted that when I cried, it was okay, didn't mean that there was anything wrong with me and that it's okay that little things still upset me at times. The one time I was doing the housework and just randomly burst into tears, two days before the one year mark. I thought, okay, this is random, but it's okay to feel like this. Even on the one year mark, when J basically told me again it was stupid to feel upset by it, I managed to ignore him.
I can't go through that again. To me, the pain is real, even if it doesn't seem like it to others. At first I blamed myself, I guess I still do, and I'm still struggling with the concept that what happened was very wrong, what happened, it shouldn't have and that the only person in the wrong that night was him. I still find it hard to comprehend what happened. There are times when I am embarrassed and ashamed by it. There are times when I get angry, at first with him, then at myself. I have no idea why myself, but I guess because I let it happen, I should have stopped it, but I was too scared to, I just froze. If someone told me that I was pathetic and had no right to feel like that, it would set me back again. I know if people knew the true extent of my feelings they would think that, sometimes I do too, but it isn't going to help the healing process by people saying that or by me knowing they think it even if they don't say it.
I don't want people to see me differently because of what happened or because of the way I feel about the situation. I am still the same person. I can't change what happened, I wish more than almost anything that I could, but I can't!
There are times when I think it's my problem, no one elses. If I were to tell them and they were to believe me, is it really fair on them? Should I really place that burden on them? Especially if I were to tell them the extent to which it has affected me. It happened to me, not them.
Sometimes I really want someone to know what I'm going through. There are times when I think if no one knows, then it didn't happen, but that's wrong. It did happen and there are times when I feel so alone that only me and him know that. It's all I think about sometimes, just having someone else to confide in. I thought if he knew how I felt, it would make things better. But it didn't, it made it worse. He made out that what happened, it was my fault and he isn't too blame. It's not my fault, I know that now. But it hurt so much for him to not even realise what he had done, for him to not even see the smallest problem with anything he'd done and to have a huge problem with me, just for being there. What if it makes me feel worse with someone else knowing? Once it's out there, there's no taking it back. When I think about it, I get so scared about what their reaction might be, I feel even more trapped within my emotions, for I know, however much I want to, for the reasons above there is no way I can tell anyone what happened. And then it begs the question, did it really happen if no one knows about it?
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content warning
I will try to keep any reference to specific SI behaviour to a minimum however reference to the assault will not always be censored. I don't want to trigger anyone so just want you to be warned. Most of the time it will be okay but just so you are aware. Take gentle care.
Of course your pain is real. And I'm so sorry you have to be in pain. All the self blame, the shame, the anger, at him and at yourself, everything you're feeling, it's all normal for what you've been through. But I wish you didn't have to go through it.
I felt the same way you do. I wanted to tell someone in RL, and at the same time I didn't. I was scared to death. It's a real risk to tell someone, and trust that they will believe you and that they won't make you feel like you're to blame, or that there's something wrong with you.
What people told me is that you have the choice about who you tell, when you tell, and how you tell. You can tell here, you can tell your counselor, you can even call a rape crisis line, and tell the person on the other end of the phone.
Like me, you may come to the point where you know you are ready. That happened with me. I told my story here first, then part of it to my therapist. Telling her, face to face, was very different than I ever imagined. I felt exactly like you right up until the time I told her. But I can tell you that it helped tremendously.
I know how unsettling it is all the way around to be where you're at, and I hope that you are able to tell your story how and where you want, and to someone you can trust. Please, take gentle care of yourself, and remember that there is no time limit on telling. Don't be hard on yourself if you can't tell someone before you're ready.
Safe
I got tired of keeping it in with one of my best friends, so one day I was at her house I just said "I need to talk to you" and just blurted out that I was raped. I actually didn't tell her the full story then, I wrote it down in an email and sent it to her later. I still don't know if I can tell my story out loud.
People may be more understanding than you think. I told my friend that I didn't want this to change our friendship, and I said "I'm still the same person I was yesterday, it's just that today you know and yesterday you didn't.
Maybe if you have someone you can trust you could write it down, or if you go to a T write it down and give it to them? Or write it down and read it out loud?
Do you find it helps that somebody else now knows?
Thanks for your replies