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I think sometimes people may think I'm over reacting and being pathetic for feeling the way I do. I feel like they'll tell me I don't have any right to feel like this. When they died, even though I didn't know them like a best friend, I was still incredibly upset by what happened. I told myself I had no right to be feeling the way I did because J knew them better and J didn't appear to be upset by it. I told myself it was stupid and pathetic to feel like that. I already felt like this and for J to turn around and tell me the same thing, it made me feel worse. It meant I didn't allow myself to heal. When my counsellor told me that I did have every right to feel like that, it made it better. It didn't happen instantly but after a while, I began to accept that it was okay to get upset about it. Just because J wasn't openly upset about it, didn't mean he wasn't bothered and it didn't mean I didn't have a right to be more upset by it. Eventually I accepted that when I cried, it was okay, didn't mean that there was anything wrong with me and that it's okay that little things still upset me at times. The one time I was doing the housework and just randomly burst into tears, two days before the one year mark. I thought, okay, this is random, but it's okay to feel like this. Even on the one year mark, when J basically told me again it was stupid to feel upset by it, I managed to ignore him.
I can't go through that again. To me, the pain is real, even if it doesn't seem like it to others. At first I blamed myself, I guess I still do, and I'm still struggling with the concept that what happened was very wrong, what happened, it shouldn't have and that the only person in the wrong that night was him. I still find it hard to comprehend what happened. There are times when I am embarrassed and ashamed by it. There are times when I get angry, at first with him, then at myself. I have no idea why myself, but I guess because I let it happen, I should have stopped it, but I was too scared to, I just froze. If someone told me that I was pathetic and had no right to feel like that, it would set me back again. I know if people knew the true extent of my feelings they would think that, sometimes I do too, but it isn't going to help the healing process by people saying that or by me knowing they think it even if they don't say it.
I don't want people to see me differently because of what happened or because of the way I feel about the situation. I am still the same person. I can't change what happened, I wish more than almost anything that I could, but I can't!
There are times when I think it's my problem, no one elses. If I were to tell them and they were to believe me, is it really fair on them? Should I really place that burden on them? Especially if I were to tell them the extent to which it has affected me. It happened to me, not them.
Sometimes I really want someone to know what I'm going through. There are times when I think if no one knows, then it didn't happen, but that's wrong. It did happen and there are times when I feel so alone that only me and him know that. It's all I think about sometimes, just having someone else to confide in. I thought if he knew how I felt, it would make things better. But it didn't, it made it worse. He made out that what happened, it was my fault and he isn't too blame. It's not my fault, I know that now. But it hurt so much for him to not even realise what he had done, for him to not even see the smallest problem with anything he'd done and to have a huge problem with me, just for being there. What if it makes me feel worse with someone else knowing? Once it's out there, there's no taking it back. When I think about it, I get so scared about what their reaction might be, I feel even more trapped within my emotions, for I know, however much I want to, for the reasons above there is no way I can tell anyone what happened. And then it begs the question, did it really happen if no one knows about it?