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tamz's Blog


i dont know if it happened again :'(

Posted by tamz , 01 June 2012 · 65 views

Im so confused. I have no idea what happened last night. So this is what I wrote last night:

I just know that im extremely upset and scared and just downright vulnerable :'( 
Im desperately trying to hold onto the facts of what just happened but im absolutely exhausted and ive had a few (pints) so i have no clue whats going on.
I just remember him (m...


never be ashamed

Posted by tamz , 18 June 2010 · 40 views

Sick of feeling like it's something to be ashamed off, something i did wrong. what he did, it wasn't rape, but it was still sexual assault and even though it's not as bad as it could have been, it's still wrong.
Never feel ashamed to speak about it, Never feel ashamed to shout out and say, yes, i am affected by this. Never be scared of th...


what are you supposed to say?

Posted by tamz , 09 May 2010 · 35 views


What the heck are you supposed to say? No! No, I'm not okay. Every time I close my eyes, I see him. I see his naked body and I feel him on top of me. I feel him... touching me... moving his hand down... or up... I feel his tongue inside my mouth... I feel myself trying feabily to push him in a half hearted attempt to get him off.....


i need to run...

Posted by tamz , 09 May 2010 · 33 views

I want to run. Run far away, keep on running until i am the furthest away from the problem. Run hard, so I can feel the pounding of my heart in my chest. To know that my heart is this way because of something I've done and not just because I'm scared or alone or thinking abotu what has happened. I hate not having control over my emotions. i n...


did it again :'(

Posted by tamz , 08 May 2010 · 106 views

Why do little things trigger me so much? Little things like someone not replying to a text? Little things like the guy in work, making stupid comments about r***. He doesn't know what i've been through, it's not his fault he doesn't understand real r***. Or some little child in youth group making comments to a friend about oh maybe you...


the line between what is right & wrong

Posted by tamz , 07 May 2010 · 28 views

Posting my story has brought up a lot of issues I never realised I had. It has made me question what is really right and wrong when it comes to sexual issues. Things I had forgotten about, have come to the surface.

I remember the first time my ex put his hand up my top. I didn't even realise he had done it! How stupid am I! When I realis...


struggling a bit today :'(

Posted by tamz , 06 May 2010 · 29 views

I feel like anyone I have ever trusted has turned me down. Anyone I have ever gotten close to has hurt me in some way. I feel surrounded by people, yet so alone. I don't even know what to say.

I hate the fact that whilst I'm being punished, he's not. He's happy, living without a care in the world. I'm the one that's feeling u...


it hurts to be validated

Posted by tamz , 05 May 2010 · 37 views

My memories are blurred. Period. Sometimes I find myself questioning whether what I remember is what really happened. There are times when I wish what I remember isn't true, that it didn't happen that way. Because if it didn't happen that way, it's not as bad. E believing me and telling me that it is SA, it validates me. Likewise, me...


finally told someone

Posted by tamz , 05 May 2010 · 28 views

Well, I did it! I finally found the courage to tell someone. My best friend (E) asked me what happened with me and the guy who did this to me (H). I told him not to just ask me because he felt obligated to but he said he wanted to know. My hands were shaking so badly when I went to type something and I almost started crying before I even said anyt...


some good advice :)

Posted by tamz , 04 May 2010 · 29 views

Some good advice. When I posted (on another site) about what happened, my first reaction to one persons response was; well you're a great help aren't you! That's rubbish advice! But then, when I thought about it further I realised that actually, it was amazing advice. And the advice was this: well, what do you think? If your best f...

content warning

I will try to keep any reference to specific SI behaviour to a minimum however reference to the assault will not always be censored. I don't want to trigger anyone so just want you to be warned. Most of the time it will be okay but just so you are aware. Take gentle care.

April 2016

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