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empty

12 April 2010
Posted by jenbaroo  
I feel empty, but full. It's like the good is being pushed out by the bad. I don't know how to stop it.

I've been robbed, I've been abandoned, I've been betrayed, I've been broken. I've been boy-raped, I've been girl-raped, anally raped, soul raped. My soul itself has been raped.

How do you mend a broken soul?

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drunk

11 April 2010
Posted by jenbaroo  
last night i went and got as drunk as i possibly could to no effect. i didn't feel drunk at all. i drank enough to down a rhino, and was still walking straight and talking fine...

i'm not doing well. i'm really not doing well at all. i keep wishing something horrible would happen so that i wouldn't have to be here anymore. ...
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Night out

09 April 2010
Posted by jenbaroo  
My husband and I are getting a night to ourselves tonight. My parents are taking our 5-month-old son overnight, and we're going to stay in a hotel in another town. I'm happy that we're getting the time away, but I've been having awful nightmares every night. Last night I was screaming and thrashing about, but still not waking...
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Friday

09 April 2010
Posted by jenbaroo  
I missed yesterday. Oh, well. I was out having fun. :)

Today I'm feeling really down, and I don't know why. Maybe I just need a caffeine lift, maybe I'm slightly depressed, or maybe I just really need to get out. But I'm in one of those places where I don't want to go out. The thought of stepping out into the sun is...
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Family

07 April 2010
Posted by jenbaroo  
Tonight was actually fun! Playing games makes it so you can't talk much, especially with the intense ones we tend to play in my family. Only one did my aunt mention her son, and I kind of cringed, more for my mom's sake than my own, because I have forgiven him, and actually talk with him every once in a while, but my parents, having...
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Wednesday

07 April 2010
Posted by jenbaroo  
Today I have family coming into town. I have mixed feelings about them. For the negative, take a look at my post "Tuesday". For the positive: we always have game nights when they're here. It's a lot of fun, the whole family gets together and we play crazy games, like Hand and Foot (a variation of Canasta), speed Scrabble,...
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Tuesday

06 April 2010
Posted by jenbaroo  
I have family coming to visit tomorrow. The mom and dad of my cousin who molested me. Now, I know it's not their fault what he did, but every time I see them, especially my uncle, I feel like screaming at them. My aunt is insensitive, always acting like things aren't clean enough, despite my mom having worked for days, knowing what my...
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Monday and Fibromyalgia

05 April 2010
Posted by jenbaroo  
It's Monday. Like that's not bad enough, my fibromyalgia is acting up. It's been getting worse and worse since I had my baby almost five months ago, and it has now gotten to the point where no position is comfortable. Standing hurts my knees, sitting hurts my hips, laying down hurts my middle back and shoulders. Add to this my...
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interest

03 April 2010
Posted by jenbaroo  
i seem to have lost interest in a lot of things i used to enjoy. i want to do art, but i feel unmotivated, mostly because i'm not very good at it. i have zero interest in any of my TV shows. the only things i'm interested in are sleep and sex. oh, and getting out of the house. i can't stand being stuck in the house anymore.

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mania

02 April 2010
Posted by jenbaroo  
i am definitely in a manic state. i got about 5 hours of sleep last night, half of what i usually need, and i'm hyper and awake and ready to go for a run, which i NEVER do. ~sigh!~ i'm so tired of the back and forth of bipolarism. depressed - no, manic! manic - no, depressed! and so on and so forth, day in, day out. ...
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