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it's been a while...

Posted by jenbaroo , 11 December 2010 · 39 views

it's been so long since i've written on here... my feet are numb, my head feels like a balloon, and my eyes are blurring over. those are my symptoms of panic. i start to panic when i'm dealing with stuff. or trying not to deal with stuff.

my nightmares are back, and they're worse than ever. my cousin, who molested me when i was 12, is in almost every dream i have, whether a nightmare or not. he's beside me every step of the way. it's so creepy. i don't know how to describe it. in one dream, he was pouring me a drink and making me a sandwich, of all things! in another, he was bowling with me. he's the monkey on my back.

often, though, my nightmares take a different turn. in college, i was sexually assaulted by two men at once. lately, two turns into four, six, eight, ten, eventually i can't count them, and nobody will help me, and i'm trying to scream for help, but i can't, you can imagine why, and so i'm crying, and my husband has to wake me up because i can't wake myself up. i'm so fully in these dreams, i come out fighting, sure they're real.

these days i find myself wishing i wasn't a survivor. i find myself wishing i were gone, wishing i could give up the fight. but i have a son to fight for. it's exhausting. i'm exhausted.



July 2014

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Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.