Help
Welcome to Pandora's Aquarium, a rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse survivor message board and chat room.
If you've been a victim of any type of sexual violence, you belong here. What you see below represents just a fraction of the resources and survivor support available. Register now to join our community and take full advantage of what this online support group has to offer you as you heal and recover, or sign in to remove this message.
You are not alone, we can support you as you heal, and you've made an important step toward recovery by reaching out. If you are unable to register or have any questions, please contact the staff or view our home page.
There's this song that starts off with "change has come", and I think that's what's happening in my life.
I have been used, abused, and tossed out by more people than I care to count. The main things I have issues with are my cousin, who molested, but didn't rape, me at 12 years old. He was 19. The second thing is an assault in college that I recently found out was actually aggravated rape because it involved more than one person. That means there is no statute of limitations.
My cousin, whom I have forgiven, forgave years ago, etc etc etc, has never had any real consequences. That in and of itself drives me nuts. I have finally decided, through talking about it in group therapy, that I will no longer attend family functions if he is in attendance. I believe this is the right thing to do, especially now that I have a child of my own. I kept thinking I was past it all because I had forgiven, but I realize now that forgiving doesn't mean you have to keep in contact. Forgiving doesn't mean you forget. Forgiving just means that you took what they did, you're trying to put it in the past, but there is still pain and a feeling of betrayal at times. It's worse when you feel the rest of the family betrayed you as well, by doing nothing, continuing to have him at family functions, continuing to talk about him all the time.
While I know that my decision concerning this is going to cause rifts, I believe it's the right thing to do at this point. Five years ago, I decided I could handle having him around, even had him at my wedding. However, since then, I realized that I still feel his eyes on me, and the look in his eyes is still lustful, as if he's still looking at me the same way he did almost thirteen years ago. I need to move forward, and that means not having him in my life.
I've had a lot of "aha moments" in my group therapy. One of those is that I have been putting everyone else first, and it's time to put me first.
:trigger:/>
The second issue is harder. M and E were friends. We flirted all the time. M and I had had a one night stand at the beginning of the school year, but then I found out he had a girlfriend and didn't want that kind of relationship with him. We stayed friends, though. One night he and E were going to take me to the roof of the music building to see the view, but the roof was locked, and we decided to hang out on the landing instead. About five minutes in, M began kissing me, pushing me against the wall, eventually raping me and forcing me to go down on E, who had just been sitting there the whole time. My husband has been pushing me to do something about it, since we thought the statute of limitations was coming up in under a year, but then he did some research, and now he's pushing harder than ever since there ISN'T any s-o-l. I brought up the situation in my group therapy, and their suggestion is to contact the family and let it all come out, become known, and get some closure that way if I don't feel I can formally press charges. While that's going to be hard, I have decided I'm going to do it. I don't know when, but I will be writing a letter to E's father (M's uncle), and let them deal with it however they will.
So here's my crossroads, my change that has come: I am making conscious decisions to do what I have to do. I have been through hell, I have walked through the fire, but I don't need to stay there. I can, truly, come back from hell. I can, truly, come out of the fire singed, but not ablaze. This is my change.
I have been used, abused, and tossed out by more people than I care to count. The main things I have issues with are my cousin, who molested, but didn't rape, me at 12 years old. He was 19. The second thing is an assault in college that I recently found out was actually aggravated rape because it involved more than one person. That means there is no statute of limitations.
My cousin, whom I have forgiven, forgave years ago, etc etc etc, has never had any real consequences. That in and of itself drives me nuts. I have finally decided, through talking about it in group therapy, that I will no longer attend family functions if he is in attendance. I believe this is the right thing to do, especially now that I have a child of my own. I kept thinking I was past it all because I had forgiven, but I realize now that forgiving doesn't mean you have to keep in contact. Forgiving doesn't mean you forget. Forgiving just means that you took what they did, you're trying to put it in the past, but there is still pain and a feeling of betrayal at times. It's worse when you feel the rest of the family betrayed you as well, by doing nothing, continuing to have him at family functions, continuing to talk about him all the time.
While I know that my decision concerning this is going to cause rifts, I believe it's the right thing to do at this point. Five years ago, I decided I could handle having him around, even had him at my wedding. However, since then, I realized that I still feel his eyes on me, and the look in his eyes is still lustful, as if he's still looking at me the same way he did almost thirteen years ago. I need to move forward, and that means not having him in my life.
I've had a lot of "aha moments" in my group therapy. One of those is that I have been putting everyone else first, and it's time to put me first.
:trigger:/>
The second issue is harder. M and E were friends. We flirted all the time. M and I had had a one night stand at the beginning of the school year, but then I found out he had a girlfriend and didn't want that kind of relationship with him. We stayed friends, though. One night he and E were going to take me to the roof of the music building to see the view, but the roof was locked, and we decided to hang out on the landing instead. About five minutes in, M began kissing me, pushing me against the wall, eventually raping me and forcing me to go down on E, who had just been sitting there the whole time. My husband has been pushing me to do something about it, since we thought the statute of limitations was coming up in under a year, but then he did some research, and now he's pushing harder than ever since there ISN'T any s-o-l. I brought up the situation in my group therapy, and their suggestion is to contact the family and let it all come out, become known, and get some closure that way if I don't feel I can formally press charges. While that's going to be hard, I have decided I'm going to do it. I don't know when, but I will be writing a letter to E's father (M's uncle), and let them deal with it however they will.
So here's my crossroads, my change that has come: I am making conscious decisions to do what I have to do. I have been through hell, I have walked through the fire, but I don't need to stay there. I can, truly, come back from hell. I can, truly, come out of the fire singed, but not ablaze. This is my change.
Tags: caution, may trigger
Share This Entry:
