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I have Friday doldrums. Usually people are happy to see Friday (TGIF!!!), but for some reason, I'm seeing this day as stupid. I know that sounds immature and all, but when you feel stupid, everything around you feels stupid. Maybe it's because we're so far in debt, just had a baby, have car payments and a mortgage, my husband's going to school for his Master's degree while working, and is now talking about working more when he comes home at night and on weekends. I remember when he was doing that before, I felt so alone, and now I'm afraid of that feeling again. I remember sitting next to him, looking at him, begging with my eyes "pay attention to me! I need your attention!" but not getting any response, and I felt so completely alone, even though I wasn't.
It's the same way with crowds. I always feel like I'm alone, even though I'm surrounded by people. I get nervous and itchy (literally), I have trouble breathing, and, in certain places, I get this vibe that makes me want to run.
I hate loneliness! I hate it! My biggest fears are abandonment and rejection and that my son (and any future children) will be hurt the same way I was. The things we all have in common on here are things that change us, and we never go back to being the same people. I don't want that for my kids! I want them to stay happy and innocent as long as possible. My innocence was stolen, and, no matter how much I want it, I can't get it back!
I FEEL ROBBED AND IT MAKES ME FURIOUS AND HELPLESS AND I FEEL IT EVERY DAY!!!!!!!
What now? What do I do now? It's no more real than it already was, but it feels so much more fresh. So what now?
It's the same way with crowds. I always feel like I'm alone, even though I'm surrounded by people. I get nervous and itchy (literally), I have trouble breathing, and, in certain places, I get this vibe that makes me want to run.
I hate loneliness! I hate it! My biggest fears are abandonment and rejection and that my son (and any future children) will be hurt the same way I was. The things we all have in common on here are things that change us, and we never go back to being the same people. I don't want that for my kids! I want them to stay happy and innocent as long as possible. My innocence was stolen, and, no matter how much I want it, I can't get it back!
I FEEL ROBBED AND IT MAKES ME FURIOUS AND HELPLESS AND I FEEL IT EVERY DAY!!!!!!!
What now? What do I do now? It's no more real than it already was, but it feels so much more fresh. So what now?
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