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I have this song stuck in my head by Maria Mena. Part of the first verse says "I've been walking around all day thinking. I think I have a problem: I think I think too much." That's me these days. I can't stop thinking! I think about this abuse, that abuse, this longing, that hatred, pet peeves, what my husband will think about this new purchase, what my son could possibly need right now at 4 months that i'm not giving him, how do I keep him from being abused, why am I so lonely even when I'm not alone, when is my husband going to leave me, when am I going to screw up so badly nobody wants me, I'm worthless, I'm pointless, why am I even here?
I am 25 years old, sometimes feeling like I'm going on 80 with how much my body and mind hurt. Today is a good day -- I only feel 50. :huh:/> I am also a new mom. I got married when I was 20, and we had miscarriage after miscarriage, so I have guilt over those as well as over my abuse. Always asking myself what I could have/should have done differently to change the outcomes. We now have a beautiful son, though, who is healthy and happy, and only cries when he needs something. I feel very blessed.
So why can't I feel completely happy? Why do I feel beaten down and bruised? Why do I feel like I can never get past my abuse? The nightmares are constant, and if I don't cry out in my sleep, my husband can't wake me up. I actually just woke up from a "daymare" screaming. I'm lucky I didn't wake up my son. I was able to reach my husband, and he calmed me down, reminded me that everything is ok, that he's here for me, that I have a sedative I can take when I get this freaked out. I don't want to have to live like this, but what's the alternative?
I feel sick to my stomach every time I eat these days. I don't know if it's emotional, or what. Not fun.
I am 25 years old, sometimes feeling like I'm going on 80 with how much my body and mind hurt. Today is a good day -- I only feel 50. :huh:/> I am also a new mom. I got married when I was 20, and we had miscarriage after miscarriage, so I have guilt over those as well as over my abuse. Always asking myself what I could have/should have done differently to change the outcomes. We now have a beautiful son, though, who is healthy and happy, and only cries when he needs something. I feel very blessed.
So why can't I feel completely happy? Why do I feel beaten down and bruised? Why do I feel like I can never get past my abuse? The nightmares are constant, and if I don't cry out in my sleep, my husband can't wake me up. I actually just woke up from a "daymare" screaming. I'm lucky I didn't wake up my son. I was able to reach my husband, and he calmed me down, reminded me that everything is ok, that he's here for me, that I have a sedative I can take when I get this freaked out. I don't want to have to live like this, but what's the alternative?
I feel sick to my stomach every time I eat these days. I don't know if it's emotional, or what. Not fun.
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I understand what you mean by wondering why you continue to think about this all and still not feel fully happy. I believe it will happen for you - you are working through it and talking...so, it will happen.
Are you go to therpy? my lids encouraged me to and iam finding alot like i did nothing to deserve this..... NEITHER DID
U. you are a good person who had some thing awful happen to them.. Iam truly sorryit like the old AA adage go just try to get through 1 day at a time or one hour at a time what ever it take, BUt u will make it to the other end.
Find some that will hold your hand and follow you over there. you are a wonder person , mother, wife.. This to shall passmy hear and spirt are with you....
Michelle vh