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can't sleep

02 April 2010
Posted by jenbaroo  
it's about 3:15am, and i've been awake for about a half hour. actually, longer than that, but i didn't have a clock until i decided to just get out of bed, since i wasn't falling back asleep.

i've got this pain on my right side, which, according to a diagram of the human body, is right around my liver. i've been going...
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some days

01 April 2010
Posted by jenbaroo  
are better than others. today is one of those days -- off and on. :) it's had its moments of joy, frustration, contentment, and anger. but it's been productive. i've gotten laundry done, brought my son's baby book up to date, cleaned the kitchen somewhat, and have a friend coming in about an hour. hopefully she'll be...
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lonely

01 April 2010
Posted by jenbaroo  
i feel lonely
pointless
worthless
a waste of space.
Will someone rescue me?

I know we are all
in this together
but I feel alone.

Bitter,
angry,
rotting away inside...
Won't someone heal me?

Someone?
Anyone?
And I am still alone.

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Torn

31 March 2010
Posted by jenbaroo  
Do any of you know the song "Torn" by Natalie Imbruglia? You know the one: "Nothing's fine, I'm torn / I'm all out of faith / this is how I feel / I'm cold and I am shamed / lying naked on the floor / illusion never changed / into something real / I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn / You're...
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!

30 March 2010
Posted by jenbaroo  
I am doing SO much better tonight! I went walking with my dad and baby, and, even though it wasn't this big breakthrough kinda thing, it really helped my mood a LOT. I'm in a lot of physical pain, though. But I just wanted to share the good stuff, too. :)
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...

30 March 2010
Posted by jenbaroo  
my psychiatrist didn't seem too concerned about the cutting. as long as i'm not doing anything to try to permanently hurt myself, he's not worried. goody. so maybe i'll just lie in the future. what's the point in telling the truth when it's downplayed? after my appointment, my walking partner cancelled on me. it was...
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scared

30 March 2010
Posted by jenbaroo  
i go to my psychiatrist today. i'm a bit scared this time around, since i've been cutting the past few days. not deep, it doesn't even really bleed, but it gets out what's inside. :) i'm afraid that if i tell him that, he's going to have me go to the psych ward at the hospital. my appointment is really just to...
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what a day!

27 March 2010
Posted by jenbaroo  
ups and downs and downs and ups.
i can encourage others, but not myself.
where's my encouragement?
where're my courage?
my courage lies in others telling me i'm not awful.
my esteem relies on others telling me i'm worth their time,
worth the air i breathe.
so far,
i feel i'm not worth anything.
to my son, i'm his source of...
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painless

27 March 2010
Posted by jenbaroo  
the title of this week's Grey's Anatomy is "Suicide is Painless". I haven't watched the episode, so I have no idea what the conclusion is, but sure, it's painless for the one who gets to leave. I don't get to leave. I want to, but I don't get to. I just had to share that.

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oh boy

27 March 2010
Posted by jenbaroo  
I think I must be on a bad mix of medications. My temper is rising a lot faster, I have zero patience when I can't calm my son down, I keep living my history over and over and wondering how I could have made things different.

I feel like such a horrible person for being so irritated with my son, who's only four months old. I want to...
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