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Longing

10 December 2012
Posted by jenbaroo  
I long for someone to love me just as I am, unconditionally, despite my faults, fears, and failures. About the only person in my life right now who does that is my son. The last time I wrote a blog entry on here, I don't think he was even a year old yet. Now he's three. I was having horrific post partum rapid cycling bipolar episodes at...
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it's been a while...

11 December 2010
Posted by jenbaroo  
it's been so long since i've written on here... my feet are numb, my head feels like a balloon, and my eyes are blurring over. those are my symptoms of panic. i start to panic when i'm dealing with stuff. or trying not to deal with stuff.

my nightmares are back, and they're worse than ever. my cousin, who molested me when i...
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change

02 May 2010
Posted by jenbaroo  
There's this song that starts off with "change has come", and I think that's what's happening in my life.

I have been used, abused, and tossed out by more people than I care to count. The main things I have issues with are my cousin, who molested, but didn't rape, me at 12 years old. He was 19. The second thing is an...
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Tags: caution, may trigger

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Posted by jenbaroo  
I recently found out that what happened to me in college is called aggravated rape, which has no statute of limitations. When a rape includes more than one person, it's aggravated rape. I still can't say it out loud. I'm able to write it now, but not say it. Not even to my husband.

Speaking of my husband -- he had been really...
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Tags: feedback?

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yuck

25 April 2010
Posted by jenbaroo  
OK, so I found out like two years that I have a massive hemorrhoid, but never did anything about it. Why? Because that initial exam was awful! I have flashbacks like crazy, and when the doctor left the room, I was shaking and couldn't stop crying. Now I'm having a flare-up again, but I REALLY don't want to go to the specialist...
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Tags: need advice

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is it possible?

22 April 2010
Posted by jenbaroo  
I think I might be an alcoholic. I just went and emptied out all the alcohol in the house, because I find myself wanting it more and more and more, and I can't be drinking during the day. I have a five month old son who counts on me, and I need to be careful. I want to get drunk every night, but only do it once a week, because my husband...
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Tags: need advice

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what's the point?

21 April 2010
Posted by jenbaroo  
does anyone even hear me out there? i feel so alone. like a tiny voice yelling for help in the vast ocean, unheard by the boats just 100 yards away... sinking, slowly, my voice dying away to nothing.

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what now?

21 April 2010
Posted by jenbaroo  
i keep hoping that i'll feel better. i don't.

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checking in

17 April 2010
Posted by jenbaroo  
i decided to check myself in on Thursday, but then my doc recommended i do the day program available at our local hospital. i'm going to try it.
the reason behind all this is that i have been suicidal for weeks, and only cutting relieves the urge. i'm not sure how well this is going to turn out, but i'm going to try it.

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Tuesday

13 April 2010
Posted by jenbaroo  
Another Tuesday night. It was a good day, but I'm really hoping I'll have a good night's sleep tonight. I'm starting physical therapy tomorrow, and am a little bit nervous, even thought I've done it before. It's for my fibromyalgia. I'm in so much pain, I can hardly walk by the time I hit about 4pm. It doesn't...
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