Pandora's Aquarium: horrible day - Pandora's Aquarium

Today was horrible. I don't know why it is any different from any other day but today the pain hurts more. I have dealt with all i can or at least all that i want to. My heart hurts yet i keep moving. Today i am fed up with everything. I don't know how to describe the mood i am in but i feel like i am walking through life dead. I want to be that girl who is good at something, who walks around with a smile and that face of no worries. I know everyone has their own stuff but when i look around at other girls my age i feel like the outcast. I feel like an alien compared to them yet i don't think i look much different. I have no confidence, no sense of self. It is hard to even say who i am. I have a name and i am living but what does that mean. I was told by my foster mom that i am a dissapointment. I have lost all trust with anyone but stuff with this foster mom was or is different i don't know. I told her watching her son, college stuff and trying to graduate school this year was really stressing me out and she just put me down completely. I feel so selfish and as a horrible person now. I try to make everyone happy and not be selfish but apparently that is just what i am. I feel like im breaking apart but falling apart is not an option. The trial is finally over yet he destroys me every day. I thought this would all be done but its not. The feelings are so real and up and down that i never know what to think. I feel like i am all over the place and i hate it. Whenever i talk to my friend about some of this stuff there is nothing they can say. I know she has given me a home and i try to keep that in mind but it is so hard. I feel like all of me is gone and no layers are left to wash away but there is nothing else to do but live but sometimes i dont even want to do that. My fake outside has worn away and i feel nothing near normal. I want to have friends and a life but i guess God does not have that in store for me. I do my best yet it is never good enough. I have this stupid pain that is always with me and nothing is taking it away. I dont realy write here for others to read it just to get shit down. i am not to sure. i have no one else. i can't even be me but i wish me wasnt me.why can't i be something good in life not a failure or i dont even know...