its been over a year since i told.ever since then i have been up and down. the words i heard were..foster home.you dont deserve to live.bitch.home wrecker.group home. they dont care.sister.suicide.cut.meds.psycho.fuckup.dont ruin your life.ugly.pretty.smart.trash.shit.oo this is why i get paid to take her.thank god shes out soon.september.october.jan.feb.april.may.august.october...all lead to major let down.
i dont know where to start. i gave up journaling.sleep gave up on me..and meds only work sometimes. my thoughts are left to do whatever they want..nothing to bring them back to that land of colors or that black where nothing matters. I never wanted to hurt myself so bad and yet i could not stop. i sat happy to see red, when i have not for so long, yet water ran down my cheeks because all i was equal to was a failure.i listened to music to encourage me to keep going but the only thing that put me back in line was a friend. i cant be dependant but without i just feel hurt. i talk to my mom..who i have mandatory calls with each week. they are court ordered and when i dont keep my side of the bargin all hell brakes loose. i tell how that weekly conversation brings me way way down. i have marks to prove it.. i dont let anyone see me cry but inside thats all i want to do. no one cares that these calls ruin me, no one cares what i think...and if so my thoughts are taken over by the judicial system...i no i have life alot better then most yet some reason i cant be happy.
new news: only some of what i share. one..in the hospital. two.with perp. three.useless cant care cant do. trial postponed..another few months of hell..o wait only until i die. pain cant take me down but they can. i neeed a friend to be there. i need to no im not..i dont even know. i want to be somewhat normal but everytime i feel like i might accomplish that i get shot back down. so much pain so much...i cant control these feelings anymore.i dont know what they mean. i try so ahrd everyday to do everything for everyone else yet what does it mean..what do i mean to anyone? or to myself? i wish i could give up but i wil not let myself..i will fight until the end. i will put him in jail...and if not i dont know what i willl mean to myself.
i no really random but just needed to journal in a way...sorry