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bellachai's Blog



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Logic

Posted by bellachai , 20 March 2010 · 71 views

I know that I am an idealist but my brian functions analytically and linear. I have decided to use my blog in a separate way to tell my story in chapters then I can stop and start at will. Logical to me as the memories are poisoning me. I know from therapy that healing is in telling telling the story.

I will use this blog as my real everyday life thin...


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Control/Opening the Floodgates

Posted by bellachai , 19 March 2010 · 84 views

I could not fall asleep last night and wrote the blog about my spirituality to seek comfort. It worked and after I blogged I found blessed sleep and peace for awhile. I forgot to write in the Enlightenment blog that I do believe in good and evil. I believe that sexual predators are evil and have no soul. Looking into their eyes shows no soul. It is c...


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Faith

Posted by bellachai , 18 March 2010 · 75 views

I think that I have a very odd take on faith and religion but it works for me. I cannot imagine an all powerful God that would allow the torture and abuse that happened to me or any child for that matter so I do not believe in a God like that. Yet on the hand I do not believe we just materialize out of nothing. That we just are is beyond my comprehensi...


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Idealism

Posted by bellachai , 18 March 2010 · 126 views

I watched that movie 'Avatar'. I so like the idea of that kind of civilization. People who are able to connect to others, animals and mother nature. It appeals to me. I have know for a long time that I am an idealist as real life has been so ughly to me. I like new ideas to pick apart. I fantasize of 'what if's' to escape the pai...


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Ambiguous

Posted by bellachai , 17 March 2010 · 72 views

I Saw T this morning. Strange that I read responses from blog that I answered that was about support groups. I live in a small town and there are no such groups even though I know abuse is everywhere even in small towns. My T stated she is going to start a group for sexually abused survivors and feels that I am ready for it. True but kind of scary. I...


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Too many thoughts

Posted by bellachai , 16 March 2010 · 52 views

My dad being in the hospital is triggering my anger towards my mother. It was just this year in therapy that it dawned on me like a sledge hammer that my mother was not a good mother. Many of my flashes of memory now are of her abusive ways. Very odd that I spent so many years believing she was my hero and friend in addition to being a good mother. Oh...


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Bad news/good news

Posted by bellachai , 15 March 2010 · 41 views

My dad is still in the hospital and will remain there for at least a week. It has been discovered he has a staph infection in his lungs and a touch of pneumonia. He is in an isolation room. Due to my own health issues I am not allowed to visit even with the surgical gown, mask and gloves and being sanatized but I was able to speak with him on the phone...


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Some History

Posted by bellachai , 15 March 2010 · 73 views

My mom called yesterday to let me know my dad is in the hospital. The knowledge he is slowly wasting away and won't be among the living for not too much longer causes me to think of his life and I may never have the nerve to ask him one question which is why did he marry my mom a second time?

My mother met my dad when she was 15 and he 18. That woul...


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Comedy of Errors

Posted by bellachai , 14 March 2010 · 81 views

I had this flash of memory that haunts me. It is being held down and being tickled by the evil stepfather. Tickling is suppose to be funny but it is not. Being tickled until it is physically painful and does not stop is not funny. It is torture. Cannot move to escape. Words to stop unheard and unheaded. Tears of pain ignored. Like hitting your fun...


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Celebration or not

Posted by bellachai , 13 March 2010 · 65 views

I am happy for me yet feel guilty that my happiness is a saddness for my daughter.

When I had my breakdown a year and half ago it was just me and my daughter. She was only 19 then. She had her own health issues which I am happy to say have been dealt with in a positive healing way. I was suicidal and rarely left my bed much less the house. She stood...






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