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Not so bad today

Posted by bellachai , 21 July 2010 · 36 views

It is raining and I am so grateful even if it is for today. It is a break from the heat. It is refreshing and oh did I mention cooler. Only five years ago I did not suffer from the heat or even perspire much when as active as I was. I can honestly I do not like it.

I had therapy this morning and it went well. My T stated that even if I did not have...


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Scars

Posted by bellachai , 20 July 2010 · 65 views

I should be in bed fast asleep especially since not only do I have therapy I also am meeting my mother for lunch and it has been so damn hot out melting the little energy I do have. My mother is an entirely different animal. Any way my mind is still fill with so many thoughts and now has been stuck on something.

This is the something. We all have emot...


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Round and Round

Posted by bellachai , 20 July 2010 · 49 views

I have been attempted to blog since 3 am this morning. I am having difficulty I think because I have too much going through me head and I feel confused with so many questions and very few answers. It just goes round and round at then stops randomly like music only music most of the time is pleasant.

Here is a sample:

My daughter and her boyfriend have...


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Enertia

Posted by bellachai , 19 July 2010 · 59 views

Each night with good intentions I pray for motivation and plan out what I will accomplish the next day. Upon waking every morning I still have that first thought: Why did I have to wake up? Then I do not accomplish anything. I just live in my little world wonding who the hell am I, what do I have to look forward to and where am I going?

It has been t...


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Attitudinize

Posted by bellachai , 18 July 2010 · 50 views

Yes attitudinize is a real word. I ran across it and looked it up. It means to pose an attitude. I know for a fact that I have spent my whole life attitudinizing myself to be what everyone else wanted me to be in order to feel liked, loved, appreciated and to protect myself from disapproval, being hurt.

I have also learned through the mental health c...


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Outlasting

Posted by bellachai , 17 July 2010 · 65 views

Well I am still standing, moving and doing even if it is at a snails pace. I am outlasting all my ailments, physicall and otherwise whether I really want to or not. I cannot even begin to express how much I have missed being here at Pandy's. I have missed you all and the sense of feeling I belong somewhere.

My T is as fond of quotes, little saying...


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Ill and Homework

Posted by bellachai , 22 April 2010 · 62 views

Wow food poisening is so much fun. However, I am way better and back at the library. I still am having withdrawals from using my computer at will. Although the Library is one of my favorite places I do not want to spend my days endlessly here. yet I have to be grateful that I am able to come here.

I am hoping today will be a good day. It is beautifu...


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I Deserve What?

Posted by bellachai , 19 April 2010 · 45 views

Wow I had internet withdrawals all weekend as my computer finally has decided not to work at all. So I missed being online here at Pandy's as well and feel behind. I am now at the library and looks as if I will have to make the trip here daily. Not really a bad thing really. It is so beautiful out lately. Spring has arrived.

I also just got back...


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Love or Hate?

Posted by bellachai , 15 April 2010 · 72 views

Well here I am again at the library and my mind set is really a little worse than yesterday. It is an underlying anger of somesort. Not the violent kind but a slow burn going towards a hissy fit like a child stomping her feet screaming 'Noooooooo I won't go there". It is rather childish and not really like me. I am always calm and in contr...


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Frustration

Posted by bellachai , 14 April 2010 · 50 views

I have been experiencing technical difficulties with my computer and internet so I thought I would come here to the Library so I could get caught up here at Pandy's and type my blog. Well I did type a long blog here then even here I lost the whole thing. I just broke down and cried in utter frustration. So I am not going to retype all I did before...






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