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Zelda, bellachai and lamby like this

Enertia

19 July 2010
Posted by bellachai  
Each night with good intentions I pray for motivation and plan out what I will accomplish the next day. Upon waking every morning I still have that first thought: Why did I have to wake up? Then I do not accomplish anything. I just live in my little world wonding who the hell am I, what do I have to look forward to and where am I going?

It...
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Attitudinize

18 July 2010
Posted by bellachai  
Yes attitudinize is a real word. I ran across it and looked it up. It means to pose an attitude. I know for a fact that I have spent my whole life attitudinizing myself to be what everyone else wanted me to be in order to feel liked, loved, appreciated and to protect myself from disapproval, being hurt.

I have also learned through the mental...
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Outlasting

17 July 2010
Posted by bellachai  
Well I am still standing, moving and doing even if it is at a snails pace. I am outlasting all my ailments, physicall and otherwise whether I really want to or not. I cannot even begin to express how much I have missed being here at Pandy's. I have missed you all and the sense of feeling I belong somewhere.

My T is as fond of quotes,...
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Ill and Homework

22 April 2010
Posted by bellachai  
Wow food poisening is so much fun. However, I am way better and back at the library. I still am having withdrawals from using my computer at will. Although the Library is one of my favorite places I do not want to spend my days endlessly here. yet I have to be grateful that I am able to come here.

I am hoping today will be a good day. It is...
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I Deserve What?

19 April 2010
Posted by bellachai  
Wow I had internet withdrawals all weekend as my computer finally has decided not to work at all. So I missed being online here at Pandy's as well and feel behind. I am now at the library and looks as if I will have to make the trip here daily. Not really a bad thing really. It is so beautiful out lately. Spring has arrived.

I also just...
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Love or Hate?

15 April 2010
Posted by bellachai  
Well here I am again at the library and my mind set is really a little worse than yesterday. It is an underlying anger of somesort. Not the violent kind but a slow burn going towards a hissy fit like a child stomping her feet screaming 'Noooooooo I won't go there". It is rather childish and not really like me. I am always calm and...
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Frustration

14 April 2010
Posted by bellachai  
I have been experiencing technical difficulties with my computer and internet so I thought I would come here to the Library so I could get caught up here at Pandy's and type my blog. Well I did type a long blog here then even here I lost the whole thing. I just broke down and cried in utter frustration. So I am not going to retype all I did...
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Numb

10 April 2010
Posted by bellachai  
I had a dream. I was in a glider plane but as a child. The Plane was flying low to the ground of sandy beaches and water looking to see if there are any good places to find agates. There were sandy like caves and the plane went in one throwing the child me out. I said uhoh as the sand from the ceiling came down on me. I thought in the dream...
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And P.S. I Love you

09 April 2010
Posted by bellachai  
My mother got to go home tonight from the hospital so I did not get much rest.

My daughter drove my 4runner out to their place and waited for me to drive mom home in her care. I am patiently waiting for her to get everything together and get dressed to leave and she takes this opportunity to further her wierdness since being in the...
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Posted by bellachai  
I just got back from the hospital. My mother probably won't get to go home until tomorrow. Her eye looks a little better but she had to ask for some pain meds so once again she was kind of loopy. She called me this morning early to ask me to bring her a chocolate milkshake for breakfast. Whatever. I brought it. I wonder if she will...
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Zelda, bellachai and lamby like this

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