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bellachai's Blog


The Exhusband/father of my children

Posted by bellachai , 19 January 2014 · 197 views

I haven't blogged much this last year.  There is some shut of valve between my brain and fingers to type.  The same goes to commenting on other's blogs even though I read them. Then I think I don't deserve to blog if I cannot comment and show support of others here.
New year new start new try. :)
This last week has been horrible fo...


obsession maybe?

Posted by bellachai , 07 December 2013 · 271 views


My daughter thinks I am obsessing about all things to do with CSA and SA. She says she does not know why anyone would want talk and/or read about those things. It seems to her one would rather forget it all. My reply is always the same; had I told someone what happened to me when it happened I would not be in the physical...


Poster Child

Posted by bellachai , 29 November 2013 · 308 views

http://www.pandys.or...lt/hissyfit.gif  I would be right now  a good and accurate poster child for why one should never, ever just stop taking their antidepressant  by choice or due to lack of funds (which is my case).   I only have myself to blame I should have budgeted better but I had not anti...


disappointments and roles

Posted by bellachai , 27 November 2013 · 236 views

My daughter's boyfriend has been copping an attitude for a couple of days and not speaking to me much.
My daughter and I had words or I should say she had words of anger to say and I listened in disappointment then shut down.  I had the urge to cry but commanded myself not to and succeeded.
My mother does not want to cook for Thank...


Memories Unwanted

Posted by bellachai , 20 November 2013 · 345 views

My mother does not like to stay home on the anniversary day of my dad's death which is Halloween day. I can understand that. We decided to go to the bigger town in my area which is 50 miles away.

The plan was to go to breakfast, do some light shopping and to the used book store there. We were chatting away in the restraint when our waiter came to the tab...



Posted by bellachai , 15 November 2013 · 276 views

I am not sorry to see October gone and November started in the same theme but it has improved some.  I am all for removing October from the calendar as it is only remembrance of loss and pain   Instead replace it with Lovember as a month.  Love is the most overused yet underrated word in the English language.
Lovemember wou...


Code of Conduct

Posted by bellachai , 13 October 2013 · 234 views

I have always maintained a code of conduct for myself for living my life and erroneously believed by following it would mean I would live happily ever after. A bizarre Cinderella complex I think.

Here they are my useless rules that I still blindly follow:

*Treat others how I would like to be treated.

*Never knowingly cause harm.

*Don't make promi...


It just goes on and on and on and.....

Posted by bellachai , 11 October 2013 · 245 views

My body is my enemy now. How can I heal when my body will not cooperate. Worse still it is triggering.

At the end of July I developed an UTI. First one in 14 years. I was put on three days of Bactrim by primary physician. UTI did not go away.

Saw my Hematologist Doctor and he did a culture and he was going to prescribe Tetracycline which is not made an...



Posted by bellachai , 30 September 2013 · 270 views

The assumption of all those in my life is that my depression will go away now that I have finally been approved for disability. It enables me to pay my own way (barely).

This is a great relief to me. Being a burden to others has been a heavy load to carry not just to them but me as well. I have lived my life up to the point of my breakdown in 2008. I...


The Abyss

Posted by bellachai , 29 September 2013 · 205 views

Knowledge is power; with the right knowledge and tools one can be empowered. Just BS. I have the right knowledge and the tools yet I still hide and disappear in isolating. Isolating is not the best tool to use in a healing process. I know that yet I isolate anyway.

It comes naturally since although I am not shy I am an introvert and a idealist. That...

July 2016

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