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Days like this....

Posted by bellachai , 22 June 2014 · 276 views

I have to wonder why I am still here alive.  What purpose do I have now?
Fibromyalgia is a weird disorder. Pain levels the last two days have gone past 10.  The pain moves around and usually I am able to manage my pain with meds help.  Last year at this time it was my knees.  Now it is my hips.
I wonder why me?  What have I done so horrible; what mortal sin have I committed to deserve this pain and restrictions on living. I cannot plan ahead or commit to a date with a friend or family cuz I don't know what my levels are going to be.  Many people think fibromyalgia is just a word for hypochondriac and all in my head.  If they could only experience my pain for an hour I am sure they would change their mind.
So why am I here still?  What do I have to offer? I feel like a big blob of nothing.

Jun 23 2014 02:59 PM

Hi bellachai,


Even though I don't suffer very much physical pain (and I theoretically have the power to end the pain I do experience), your post really resonates with me.

I believe you when you say you are in pain. I believe that it is debilitating, and so much more than a number could describe. 


I, too, question why I am here. What is my purpose when my depression and anxiety limit my ability to "get through the day" with my husband and kids, much less have any meaningful impact on anything else? I am supposedly smart and talented, with lots of potential, but a single remembrance can leave me bedridden. I'm trying so hard to study and get a job outside the home, so I can make friends again, feel productive, have a daily routine. I can't help but wonder, what if I'm incapable of normality? What if I can never be happy? 


From one big blob of nothing to another, thanks for at least helping me feel less alone.

Jun 23 2014 07:02 PM

You are not a blob of nothing in my eyes. You are a mother to your daughter, a good pet owner, someone who's given me more support and comfort than I can measure even from a distance, and lastly, someone who seems to find things to honestly enjoy in your life when the pain lets up even a little. I'm sorry you're hurting so much, and I'm sorry medical science and people in general are so lacking in understanding of disorders that are not yet fully understood. Here for you if there is anything I can do to help.

You are not a blob of nothing, but I understand. I think maybe part of it comes from abuse and feeling powerless and letting things in our life overtake us without an utterance of protest. Past reflex, etc. being removed from our bodies, due to pain perhaps and feeling no contact. Anyway, I guess you can see that I can relate.
Jun 23 2014 09:04 PM

I wish I had a good answer. For me the answer is because of the chance to love others.

A blob of nothing? That's not true at all! You may be in a-lot of pain, but that makes you more compassionate. You've offered me quite a bit of support from the perspective of a mother who has her own children, which isn't something I've had very much of in my life. That means a-lot to me, Bellachai! From the comments I've read, you've had a positive impact on quite a few of us here at Pandys. You are doing a-lot more good than you know regardless of your physical limitations. 

Wow I am crying from the caring that is pouring from your kind and generous words. Perhaps the feelings of being nothing on these kind of days is my pain is met with indifference from those in real life.  I manage pain everyday and it dictates how I spend my time alive.  Those in my real life are use to me being in pain so they no longer listen, ask how I am or ask if they can do something to help me.  So I feel alone in my pain.  I often think just for a second that they could walk in my socks to feel what I feel.  I have a high tolerance to pain (I believe many survivors do, why else would we be alive?) so would a second of what I feel knock their socks off in a scream?  Perhaps!  Pandys is a safe haven for me where I hear and am heard.  Thank you for being here and hearing me.


SusanStrong -  Perhaps we should change to one blob of something to another blob of something.tongue.png  I am sorry you related feeling alone is painful in of itself.  So now you and I are not alone.  Take good care of youhug.gif


MJ -  You have been and are a wonderful friend I have enjoyed your friendship  for a couple of years now.  Thank you for caring and your common sense and insightfulness.hug.gif


Zelda -  What you said has much truth in it.  I often can relate and understand your posts.  I missed you when you were away.  I often find you wise with a dry wit.  Thank you for your understanding and comments they are much appreciated.hug.gif


Intrepid - You not only show love in your posts but also truth and sincerity.  I love my mini zoo, my children and all my friends here at Pandys.  It is an issue with me of not feeling love from my family and indifference from others.  My mini zoo loves me unconditionally so I am fortunate there. Perhaps I need to work on loving myself first which at the thought of loving myself is yuck.  Thank you for so many reasons. hug.gifhug.gif


Chocolate -  Your words are so kind and I thank you for your support and caring.  You are a very special person in my eyes. I would gladly share chocolate with you.hug.gif

Bella You are not nothing to many, I hope that you are encouraged to find that you are not nothing, to your self

July 2016

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