Jump to content


Knowledge and Understanding

Posted by bellachai , 13 June 2014 · 150 views

Knowledge = power   Understanding = empowerment  Right?
Abuse affects one's life for the rest of their life.  The damage is done.  The sooner help is given and accepted by the abused the healing helps a less painful life.  Right?  I received the right help decades after all the abuses occurred.  Saying that I seek knowledge of why abuse happens;  why did the evil step father do what he did to me?  If I had more information and could understand it then the power moves from him to me and I would then become in empowered in my life.  Let more healing begin right?
 Posted ImagePosted ImagePosted Image  CSA discussed below take care in reading.
I did not sleep much Wednesday night.  I had a long telephone conversation with my mother.  Apparently she had had a nightmare with the evil step father.  So she was talkative about him and once again tells me she did not know what he had done to me then to my sister.  Which I still do not believe especially since she herself confessed to me some of the physical abuse she handed out towards my sister and my first hand experience with her.  
I asked her once if she knew the evil step father spanked with panties down, a belt  and laid over his knees.  It was a test question cuz I already know she watched him do it some times.  She said no.  She lied to me.  She has a thing about hating people who lie to her so is it due to her being a liar?  I also asked her once how she met the evil step father.  She refused to talk about that.
Yet she was most informative about the evil step father Wednesday evening.  The evil step father had two brothers and one sister.  The sister and one older brother were not on speaking terms with their parents or the other brother and the evil step father.  Reasons was unknown.  I remember the evil step father's parents and I liked them.  They were nice to my sister and I.  We called them Grandpa and Grandma.  Grandma was quiet and timid.  They were Swedish so she cooked Swedish food which was good.  Grandpa had a wooden leg  Reason unknown but he would show us the wooden leg.  Fascinating.  We sat on his lap which the evil step father did not like but said nothing.  One year we were visiting them (they lived in another state) I got the mumps.   The evil step father was in the room I was sleeping in badgering me to get up and do something and his father came in and told him to shut up and leave me alone I was ill.  The evil step father then did leave me alone for the rest of our stay.  Yahoo!  Grandpa was raised up to hero status with me.
The evil step father's brother that did speak to him and his parents lived in the same town.  I remember meeting him and not liking him, his wife or any of their three little girls.  I don't know why I did not like them.  I think they just felt unsafe to me.  Years after my mother left the evil step father she learned that the brother was arrested for exposing himself from their livingroom window to school children passing by on their way home from school.
Hmmm!  Two pediphiles in the same family?  That speaks of their parents being abusive to them when they were children.  I did not get that vibe from his parents but then what do children under 10 know about signs of abuse anyway.  Anyway I find this information contradictory and baffling.
My mother also told me that he had had an obstruction in his urinary tract which caused him to be infertile therefore the reason he never had children of his own.  A good thing I would say and I hope the obstruction caused him much pain.  Although I did not really need to know this information. 
She told me that after they married  she could no longer get him aroused so they would not have sex for 6 weeks or longer at a time.  Well she is was a registered nurse and a well educated woman.  She said she was pretty sure he was having affairs with women and he went through them cuz he would become bored with them quickly.  OR gee it may be cause he was abusing her own daughter instead.  She did not have any concrete evidence to his "affairs" and if she really believed that why the hell did she stay married to him?
I found her disclosures disturbing but there is no understanding here I don't think. 

Safe :hug: I always find it hard when my mum says something and inside I am screaming "stop denying everything !" Stay safe Bella. This is an important blog I believe. :hug:
Jun 13 2014 05:09 PM

I'm sorry to hear that you are having a rough day. I hope that you are doing better. I too get frustrated with my mother when she says stuff like this.

Jun 13 2014 05:46 PM

Give the information time to percolate.  Something helpful may bubble up.  If nothing else, it confirms what you already know.


Also, maybe the abuse in evil stepfather's generation was someone other than his parents...  who knows.


Safe :hug:

Mand - Thank you for the hugs much appreciated.  Perhaps there is a message to me in this post that is important and patience is needed in working through it.hug.gif


Silentwords -  Thank you for your caring comments.  As a mother myself I would never talk about my sex life with my mother or my daughter.  It just does not seem appropriate to me.  Maybe that is my warped thinking.


Yarn -  I like that "percolate" and all you said is true.  Thank you for your comments and hug.  Much appreciated.hug.gif

Jun 14 2014 08:14 PM

I'm so sorry, Bella. Thinking of you.

July 2016

24 252627282930

Recent Entries

Recent Comments


Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.