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Like a broken record

Posted by bellachai , 11 April 2014 · 116 views

I often get things stuck in my head that I have seen, heard or read and it will go round and round like it is stuck in that mode like a broken record.  It may do that for hours, days or weeks until I either solve it, resolve it, accept it or just trash it altogether where it may relate to me or my life in some way and it can also be out of context from what I saw, heard or read.
I recently read some news that once again quoted Hilary Clinton when she was being questioned about Benghazi infamously "well what difference does it make at this point?"  I personally think that taking responsibility for four American deaths might make a big difference to their family and friends and to the America I use to be proud of  yet still love.
Anyway not to get side tracked on politics the quote has stayed with me for a few days.  I don't know why I did not pick it up when she said it.  I think I picked it up because that is how my family and now long gone fair weather friends thinks about me being a survivor of CSA and SA.  They see it as something awful that happened to me that they refuse to envision but it is over with and in the past so what difference does it make at this point in my life?  I could write a book on this topic.
Due to this attitude and thinking I did not heal from my abuse early on.  The 60's and 70's there was no talking, arresting or reporting CSA.  The were no laws then that required intervention.  It was taboo.  You did not talk about it and you did not see it period.  Furthermore in the 60's and 70's the medical field protected their own and my mother was a respected nurse.  My doctor was the doctor she worked for.  I will never know if he even thought I may have been abused.  Physical evidence was right in front of him everytime I was taken to the hospital.  Unnecessary surgery was done on me cuz no one could find what was causes such severe bladder/kidney infections when there was nothing wrong with those organs to begin with.  They tried to fix what was not even broken.  They never fixed what was broken.  Just more horror to my childhood.
What difference does it make at this point?  I am disabled physically and emotionally because what was wrong was not fixed, there was no healing for so many decades that my body and mind,  although there were warnings from time to time which I ignored, could not hold the pain in anymore and I was broken in ways that can never be fixed.  The trauma from those experiences were never addressed therefore it broke me.  I think it is a big deal and a big difference.  No one took responsibility for what happened and how it has affected me negatively most of my life.  No one paid for my pain and suffering Not one of my abusers ever was arrested or thrown in jail.  The evil stepfather should have lived his live and died in prison.  Nothing would have happened even today if my cousin had been held to be accountable as she was only 16.  "OHH what a bad girl you are.  you are grounded for a month"  After that she probably found another victim.  I have no contact with her.  The date guy I heard later had a breakdown himself from some form of mental illness and was in a psychiatric hospital.  After that I don't know.
I wonder if Chelsey was one of the ones killed in Bengazi if Mrs. Clinton would have said that quote.
I guess I am accepting this broken record as a truth because it is what it is: ignorance.
Take good care

Apr 11 2014 04:50 PM

I think there is a whole lot of ignorance about sexual assault and abuse, rape, CSA, all of it.  I think it is impossible on some level for those who have never become victims to understand what we as survivors live with. 


And not to get all political (Clinton really pisses me off with her statement and attitude), but it only goes to emphasize the ignorance when the military refuses to let anyone other than their top brass handle sexual assault cases in the military.  Which only breeds more leniency and the ability for perpetrators to keep victimizing with little repercussions.


It is very hard when there are few if any in your real life that are supportive of you and all you are going through as a survivor.  I am sorry that you have to deal with that from family, and that your friends were fair weather and not true.


Lean on us here.  Heaven knows, I've leaned on you and others here.  Just know we are here for you.   I know it is not the same as your real life, but maybe there are ways that we are just as real to you?  I hope so, because you are extremely real to me, my friend.


I am sorry for all you have been through in your life.  It breaks my heart, to think of the child you were and the things you suffered.  Your healing now may be slow, but I hope that it comes for you and that some day you can move beyond your pain and suffering and feel more whole and have some inner peace.


Take good care of you, my friend.  Lots of love and hugs.   :hug:   :hug:

Those things that stay with you always have a message, don't they? Even my earliest memories of childhood (pre CSA) all stay with me because they have a message and decoding the message always helps me understand and move on more.


This is truly terrible: "well what difference does it make at this point?" 


Because it tells the lie: "it's done now, it's regrettable, but it's in the past and there is nothing we can do in the present."


This lie sustained me through nearly thirty years and allowed me to be hurt several times (not SA) because nothing was dealt with at the time and "well, what difference does it make at this point?"


The step is in recognising it as a lie and then recognising that even if the whole world believes that lie, it doesn't make it truth. The truth is that it matters just as much now as at the time. What you do about it now may be different from what you would have done about it at the time, but it still matters just as much now.


I don't really know what I'm trying to say, perhaps just reinforce what you are saying, that it does make a difference at this point, it does make a difference at this point, it does make a difference at this point, because otherwise you are treated as 'expendable', when actually your value as a person is exactly as high as everyone else's.



Thank you (((Susanna))).  You are wise.  I suspect we have similar analytical brains.  Always trying to make sense of everything.  I sometimes wonder if I will one day think and analyse myself to death or crazy.


Thank you for commenting as always.

November 2015

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