I sit here in my living room with sleeping pets keeping me company. It is a peaceful sight yet inside my head there is only turmoil and thinking and wondering.
I see my daughter's boyfriend's packed duffle bag with clothes she washed for him There are sacks of food on the table for this job in Pinedale Wyoming. I saw his hard hat and work gloves this company gave him for this job. I saw their order sheet for his drug tests that he gave.
I remember the sacrifices my daughter made and I made financially to get him to this job in Pinedale Wyoming. Appointments were cancelled. My daughter's appointment for her dead front tooth to have a root canal and crown. One of her cat's appointment to have teeth removed. Must be tooth month just not for us. I gave up my last penny that I was going to use to fix my dad's truck so I would have transportation.
My daughter was offered a job for this week doing night watch for an elderly gentleman. She turned it down cuz her boyfriend would be taking their car to this job in Pinedale Wyoming. She and I would not be able to go anywhere for a week. All that was okay if he could really get hired on with the oil fields cuz it would be worth it They could be on their way to living their own lives moving out and my daughter starting college again like she wants to do.
Every once in awhile I watch the boyfriend walk from their room to the kitchen or to let out the dogs. He walks fast with long legs just a slight restraint not to stomp his feet. His nose is in the air a bit and his chest is puffed outward like a strutting peacock just he is not as pretty as a male peacock. This is his angry look. He is not talking much. I wonder why?
Last Friday the boyfriend told us he would be going to Pinedale Wyoming this coming weekend. They would call him this weekend and tell him to go. I did ask twice how were they going to call him on the weekend when the office is closed on the weekend. Someone would call them. Well alrighty then what do I know? The weekend is over with and he is still is here. I wonder why?
Yesterday at 10am he left to go ask the company why they did not call him. He was not gone long but then their office is only four blocks from my house. Was he gone long enough to make this enquiry so quickly. IDK really. He said they were waiting for the weather to calm down some before sending him so maybe sometime this week.
I looked up the company on their website. It is really an employment service that either hire people for jobs like construction, driving with a CDL license, gas and oil companies and other type services. It could be temporary or permanent depending on what you are looking for. It is a good way to get your foot in the door for the type of industry one is interested in. So okay maybe the hardhat, gloves and drug tests are this company accepting him as a person to hire and look for a job. I looked at their jobs posted and none of them are for Wyoming but then it did say to call in frequently for updated job listings. So okay maybe. Yet I am wondering anyway. Can't help it.
I looked up Pinedale Wyoming and they do have oil fields there and their weather since last week has been blizzard type weather. Again okay. Yet I am wonder anyway.
I don't know if anyone remembers watching any of the 'Leave It To Beaver' show. It had an actor that played the character Eddie Haskell. The boyfriend reminds me of him sometimes.
Four years ago the boyfriend told my daughter and me that he was going to get a job with a video store here in my small town. I knew the woman that managed the place. My daughter went to school with her daughter. I was in there renting a movie and talking to her and told her I was so glad she hired the boyfriend. She did not know what I was talking about and she did not speak to anyone by that name. She looked in her file of turned in job applications. His wasn't in there.
I was furious and went home and called him on it and he said she was lying to me. I stupidly stated we could ask her in person. In my anger I put my friend in a very uncomfortable place cuz he called her a liar to her face and would not budge on it. In disgust I apologized to her and feeling like a fool went home to have a big fight with them and it ended up being all my fault.
So I wonder?
My daughter told me yesterday that he was in a bad mood and taking it out of everyone. I told her no he isn't; he is taking it out only on her.
Yesterday afternoon my daughter did something so unexpected, she hugged me and kissed my forehead and cheek saying she loves me. She has not done that for over a year. She tells me she loves me everyday but touching me is from a time before her boyfriend entered her life.
Today my daughter told me she is worried. I told her so am I. Nothing else has been said.
Here is the thing I could call him on it and bring on a fight. I could say he has one month ( or any time frame) to get a job or he is going to be kicked out of my house. My daughter would go with him stating she hates me and I am just like everyone else in the family who does not like her boyfriend of five years. Funny they would be leaving in the car I bought for them. Regardless they have nowhere to go in the car or on foot. They don't have any friends.
Anyway the point is if I were to do that and set that boundary my failing health could fail altogether before she realizes her boyfriend is unemployable or too lazy to work for long periods of time or mentally ill in some way (which I also wonder about sometimes). I would be dead and she would have to live with the guilt of alienating her own mother for this boyfriend and I was right all along.
I don't want to be right at that price. I don't want to die without the love of my children in my life. My health is proof of all I sacrificed physically and mentally and emotionally to raise my two children alone.
Yet on the other hand I did not sign up to raise someone else's dysfunctional son. I already have enough dysfunctional crap in my live to last two lifetimes. It is breaking me. It is killing me.
I want to die knowing my children are happy and truly loved by someone other than me. I fear death for only that reason.