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The Abyss

Posted by bellachai , 29 September 2013 · 167 views

Knowledge is power; with the right knowledge and tools one can be empowered. Just BS. I have the right knowledge and the tools yet I still hide and disappear in isolating. Isolating is not the best tool to use in a healing process. I know that yet I isolate anyway.

It comes naturally since although I am not shy I am an introvert and a idealist. That is my world. When people and/or life drain my energy I have to recharge my batteries in my safe places. Sometimes I drain myself of energy with all the chatter in my head. Some say it is isolating and some say it is just the introvertedness (just created a new word)of me.

My safe places are: getting up at 4am cuz it is so quiet and peaceful and I like to watch the sunrise, sleeping as much as possible as there is no pain when sleeping (until it wakes me), headphones for my computer so I can shut out this cruel world and the worst tool I have is smoking. Nicotine releases serotonin instantly.

My computer is my best friend. I can get the news to stay up with current events, I can listen to music free on Grooveshark.com I have collected over 1000 songs and can create playlists (a very cool site).

I can play games. My favorite game is Gorillaz tiles. It soothes me to play this game cuz it is not difficult. Matching tiles to eliminate them all. It is organization which I lack in real life. While I play I can let all the chatter in my head flow through me therefore finding some relief.

I can watch any TV or movie free on my computer. It distracts me.

I signed up with Ancestry.com so am working on family trees. It lends me a purpose and is interesting.

I have Pandy's yet I stay away when I am struggling cuz I feel guilty as I want to be here to help people like me. That in itself is healing but when I struggle....

I have my pets to play with who love me unconditionally. They calm me and give me some laughter.

I also read a lot and I always have read a lot. Mysteries are my preferred reading material.

Yet here I am feeling empty without a purpose. There is a black hole in me that I can't seem to light up.

Blessings to all here.

Sep 29 2013 10:43 PM
Bella, I love grooveshark too.... another good music site is Songza.com. You can't create your own playlists but it is kind of like the same concept as Pandora but better executed IMO. Limitless playlists to choose from, and all the ones I've tried so far are great.

Ironic that as you write about feeling isolated and empty, all I'm advising you how to do is more of the same... but I think we are too much alike for in this way for me to help you out of the place you're at right now. I feel so much the same in terms of needing isolation and being introverted though not shy-- but then not liking the feeling of being completely alone when all is said and done. Complicated. And it is beyond me to say what the solution is.

So instead, I am pointing you to another distraction, and hoping that wiser minds than mine will have something more helpful to say.
I don't have a solution either. I tend to isolate too. Listening always if you need an ear.

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