The Party is Over. What Party?
When I got to the reception it had only 30 more minutes till everyone had to leave. Everyone (I mean everyone) were drunk and having a great time including my husband. It was 3pm. It was the strangest sensation to be the only one cold hard sober in the company of around 50 people totally wasted. It was if I landed there from another planet.
Upon leaving my husband and I had a huge fight in the parking lot cuz he wanted to drive and he 'was just fine to drive'. I refused to get in the car. He got about half a block when he had to stop to puke.
I am reminded of that feeling now with all my health issues including my mental health. Walking around seeing and experiencing peoples indifference, ignorance, lies and shallowness. This time though it is me that can only walk half a block before I collapse from lack of oxygen and need to puke.
I had a med review with the phychiatric PA. I chose not to be there for my alloted 15 minutes. I however did write a letter I wish to have put in my file regarding my health issues and getting kicked to the curb in a dishonest way by my therapist and how someone would call me to attend DBT again when it starts a new module (which it has two weeks ago) and no one called me. The letter stated how unheard, invalidated, unsupported and dismissed I feel by all the people in my real life. Furthermore I feel like a waste of peoples time, space and a such a burden to everyone. It has me feeling unworthy, lonely, ashamed and guilty.
The only place I feel any amount of support, understanding and encouragement is here at Pandy's even those I do not get to see or touch any of you here you all have moved over to make room for me to feel like I belong somewhere. I thank you all for this from the bottom of me scarred heart.
Blessings to you all