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The Party is Over. What Party?

Posted by bellachai , 24 October 2012 · 60 views

Early into my marriage in my early twenties my husband and I were invited to some friend's wedding and reception afterwards. My job would not allow me to take that day off to attend but said they would let me get off early to at least attend some of the reception.

When I got to the reception it had only 30 more minutes till everyone had to leave. Everyone (I mean everyone) were drunk and having a great time including my husband. It was 3pm. It was the strangest sensation to be the only one cold hard sober in the company of around 50 people totally wasted. It was if I landed there from another planet.

Upon leaving my husband and I had a huge fight in the parking lot cuz he wanted to drive and he 'was just fine to drive'. I refused to get in the car. He got about half a block when he had to stop to puke.

I am reminded of that feeling now with all my health issues including my mental health. Walking around seeing and experiencing peoples indifference, ignorance, lies and shallowness. This time though it is me that can only walk half a block before I collapse from lack of oxygen and need to puke.

I had a med review with the phychiatric PA. I chose not to be there for my alloted 15 minutes. I however did write a letter I wish to have put in my file regarding my health issues and getting kicked to the curb in a dishonest way by my therapist and how someone would call me to attend DBT again when it starts a new module (which it has two weeks ago) and no one called me. The letter stated how unheard, invalidated, unsupported and dismissed I feel by all the people in my real life. Furthermore I feel like a waste of peoples time, space and a such a burden to everyone. It has me feeling unworthy, lonely, ashamed and guilty.

The only place I feel any amount of support, understanding and encouragement is here at Pandy's even those I do not get to see or touch any of you here you all have moved over to make room for me to feel like I belong somewhere. I thank you all for this from the bottom of me scarred heart.

Blessings to you all

Oct 24 2012 12:35 PM

I'm sorry I have not been commenting here on your blog. But I have been reading. I have just been short on words, and not in a wonderful space myself.

I just wanted you to know you always have my support. You are not a waste of anyone's time or space, and I don't see you as a burden at all. I can understand how it has left you feeling, all of what you have to endure from those in your "real" life.

I am really sorry you have been given the lot of them to walk through life with. I wish I could kick some sense into the whole bunch on your behalf.

Please, know that I am here for you. Thinking of you, sitting with you. PM me any time you want. You will never be a burden to me.

Blessings, love, and tons of warm, supportive, soothing hugs to you, my dear friend. :hug: :hug: :hug:
Oh but your not a burden. Your a light. Those of us who see others as so cruel, are only seeing them that way because our conscious allows us to feel hurt. Some people aren't appreciative of that.

When people see you they see some one different. Some one not so cruel and I'm guessing some one understanding. Maybe they feel like they can relax and take things out on you? They take your kindness for weakness but in reality your stronger then any of them.

Someone who has endured so much cruelty and so much pain, but still feels, is the strongest kind of person there is. I would be beyond grateful to have you as a friend and I am beyond grateful to have you as a pandy's member. You are worth sooo sooo soo much more then those people are giving you credit for, and they just might never appreciate you. But there are some of us out here who would love to have a friend like you, because we see your worth. Your worth alot more then that and dont let any of their ignorant words that they speak against you become your reality. Take their opinions away and as yourself what are your strengths. What are you proud of? Who cares what all of them people say because they arent livin right. What they say is only hurt and pain, but who you really are can never be defined by there words.

I just hope you see that. Blessings to you.

May 2015

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