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The honeymoon is over way too soon

Posted by bellachai , 23 October 2012 · 53 views

I am not in a good place. It seems all I do is go to the doctors and lab tests and I am still so exhausted since getting out of the hospital. I am still the big mystery as to why and what kind of clotting disorder I have especially when there is no one that I know of in my family that even had a blood clot anywhere.

My daughter's boyfriend no longer works for Subway and says he was hired by Wendy's. I think not. So he has had one paycheck from Taco Bell and one paycheck from Subway. Probably no job for a while is my bet. I am at the least not holding my breath what little I have left anyway.

My daughter and her boyfriend are so into their video games that anything else is not important. One plays the video game and the other waiting their alotted time to play per their agreement with each other, is on my computer. I could just demand my computer and put on the headset so I cannot hear them but that would cause temper tantrums that it just is not worth raising my anxiety levels any higher. I never am bored, yes I do things that are boring but I can find other things to entertain myself.

Yesterday my daughter was playing the video game and her boyfriend was on my computer, I heard my daughter say 'that is disgusting'. I was in the kitchen and noticed a dirty pair of the boyfriends socks on top of my refrigerator. They were stiff from his sweaty feet and I carefully removed them carrying them to the livingroom stating what is really disgusting is dirty socks on top of the refrigerator. I threw them on the floor close to them. He immediately got up angry and went outside with his nose up in the air. My daughter went to her room. I did not care.

I called my mother last night to check up on her since I haven't heard from her in three days. I am back to having to be the one to call. She is struggling. Halloween is a week away. My dad died one year ago on that day. I am struggling too as I miss him. Anyway she does not want to stay home on that day so we are going to a used book store and out to lunch.

She is also struggling with repairs. Her furnace died so she has to have a new one put in and that is so expensive and then her Kirby vaccuum died and is in for repairs which is going to cost her $80.00. So she decided to cancel the cleaning person who came every three weeks for 3 hours. Then came the big dig she asked me what were 'we' going to do if I get turned down again by Social Security disability. Meaning of course that her paying for my mortgage and electricity is draining her financially. If that were true perhaps my guilty feelings would be valid but it is what it is. I do not know what she wanted me to say. I wanted to say well I will just stop taking my blood thinners and wait for my clotting disorder kick in and I will wait until a clot in my lungs kills me then I won't be a burden to her or anyone else. I then would not be a burden to anyone and she would be all alone.

I have stopped speaking to anyone. No one hears me anyway. My daughter will say you told me that before mom more times than I can stand. Now that the video games are on I could say 'I can't breath and I think I am having heart attack' they would either not hear me or say 'Mom you told us that already' even though I have not ever said that.

I am just invisible and I feel dead inside. In the last 18 months I have been in the hospital four times and all of them were life threatening this last stay in the ICU for 10 days was the closest I have been to death. A Higher Power apparently wants me alive so I must have a purpose. I just have to wonder if the purpose is to see how much pain I can tolerate before it becomes too much. Like a sadistic experientment. Are they making bets how long I will last?

Blessings to all

not in a good place either right now, but i'm listening. here if you need to talk.

i see you and i care.

(((lots of love and hugs)))
Oct 26 2012 12:51 AM
I'm sorry to hear that you have been sick and that ur daughter and her bf are back with u (well just her bf). love xx
Thank you all

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