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Enlightenment in the twilight zone

Posted by bellachai , 22 September 2012 · 92 views

I hope this post won't appear as if I am taking the last 10 day lightly. I just have not processed all I have experienced and learned in the last 10 days yet. I suspect it will be life altering and/or an awakening of some kind. I am not there yet. Sometimes we learn only what we do not want in our life rather than what we do want.

Let's see if I can briefly tell what has happened to me. September 13th morning I went to have a colonoscopy and endoscopy to look for any small bleeds that would explain my anemia. None were found but they did find a growth by the colonoscopy which was removed and tested as benign.

Going I knew that my oxygen sats were lower than levels normal for me by 2 to 3 percent. I requested a nebulizer treatment prior to being put under twilight sleep. They also were informed that I had been off the Warfarin (blood thinners) for 5 weeks due to some genetic tests I needed to have done looking for reasons the bilateral pulmonary embolism's I developed December 2010. They checked my INR prior to the procedures and it was 1.1 and I did ask if that was normal as it seemed too thick for me. They said yes it was mormal. The procedures were then done.

Upon waking I was told that they had some trouble with my oxygen sats going down to 70% and my jaw and neck were bruised due their holding my head in a way to open my airway wider. I received another nebulizer treatment and went home at 89%.

I had a nice lunch that my daughter fixed for me and tasted so good since I was not allowed to eat the day before in prepration for the procedures. I layed down for a nap and became very cold with an extreme chills but no fever. I thought I slept well but....?

I walked to my chair from the bedroom and I could not breath and felt like I was going to black out. Not dizzy just seeing black spots and feeling like I would soon blackout and die. I used my birthday present from my mother; an oximeter and my oxygen sat was below 70%. I was in serious trouble and my daughter dialed 911.

My small town hospital is only 5 miles from my house and the ER was busy but I was struggling and a step away from being put on a respriator. That scared my daughter and she started cry. My mother made it to the hospital in record time. I had the quickest CT scan I have ever had. I was sent to the ICU under an hour where I stayed for 8 days. Then I was on the regular floor for 2 more days. I came home today.

This is alot of drama but sometimes drama is oh too real. The tests the Hemotologist wanted were scheduled for last monday which now will never be done as I now will be on blood thinners for the rest of my life.

I became the mystery of the week in the ICU as they do not know how or why any of this happened. They still do not know. My idea of mystery was a fantasy in my early 20's to be mysterious and alluring. Ha years later I actually do become mysterious in an awful way. A reminder to be careful what you wish for.

Once again I have very large bilateral pulmonary embolisms. The right lung blood clot was larger than a peach pit and was blocking most of that lung which was partially colapsed. The left lung blood clot was peach pit size. The next morning my left lung filled with fluid. Under both clots I had bacterial pnuemonia.

I learned a great many things through this experience.

I would not allow them to put in a urine cathedar as it is still a trigger from CSA experiences. They pumpted me up with max steroids, hemprin, antibiotics (3 different ones) and oxygen. They had to give me medication to get rid of the fluid so had to get up often to pee it out. Getting out of the bed was wearing me out so they brought in a comfy recliner and I stayed and slept in that most of the time. Taking steroids causes gluclose levels to rise which they told me hinders healing so I was given insulin 4 times a day. The steroids also hinder sleep and gave me nightmares and off the wall wierd dreams.

Errors were made even though I have three I see on a regular basis. The attending physician I had for the first 7 days in ICU, Dr. Vansomphone who was indded handsome with or without the phone, told me that during the time I was off the bloodthinners I should have been checked regularly to watch for any blood clots to form. The 1.1 INR reading was a warning that I was probably clotting and the colonoscopy and endoscopy should not have been done. Whoever said a colonoscopy can't kill you lied. Yes you can and I almost did.

The first 3 days were rough and touch and go. They pumped me so full of heprin the IV's in my arm (I had three)seeping blood and they had to find other places to move them every 3rd day and my blood just ran like a river. I coughed up blood and my nose would bleed. If only I could have cried blood tears I could audition for horror flicks.

Much of this experience I found humbling. The radiologist who did my initial xray and CT scan came to my room twice to see how I was doing and chat. Billy is very cute and incredibly nice. I was ready to adopt him and it did cross my mind wondering why my daughter could not fall in love with someone like Billy.

Then there was the lady who came to take my food orders. all though they do not show the choice of diet Dr. Pepper she would find me some and send them on my food tray. She told me that when I worked that I was so nice to her that she now could pay if back. Wow I did not think she even remembered me.

I had nurse and CNA teams; daytime and nighttime. They were so wonderful and good to me. When they moved me to the regular floor some of them came over to see how I was doing. One of the CNA's even gave me her phone number and to call if I ever need anything. A new friend?

I do not know what to do with kindness given to me with no strings attached. It feels uncomfortable to feel worthy of those who really care and seek my company. It somehow does not feel right.

Anyway on the fourth day I finally rallied some in the breathing department. Yet I was left with extreme fatigue. So bad that my bones feel like rubber and I am walking in mud up to my knees. My bruises have bruises. My issues have issues. Blood pressure cuff blew out viens. I am now anemic again so will have to go through another set of iron infusions. Also I was told that although there was no damage to my heart it worked very hard for days to pump blood around the clots so my heart is tired and I must rest to allow my heart to rest and recover as well.

The emence fatigue I have been feeling actually triggered me to recall that I experienced something very similar off and on while living with the evil stepfather. I am now wondering what that was all about. Maybe nothing.

By all that I was told I really should have died but some higher power than me seems to think I need to stay around for a little longer. I still am comforted by my thoughts that I still have the option to leave this earth if things become more than I can handle. It is a conflict within as I also knew I was not ready to release my soul just yet.

I am too tired now to edit this so please forgive my typing errors.

Then there is my mother but I will save her wierdness maybe tomorrow.

Blessings to all



i'm not a higher power, and don't have much power at all, but i would like it if you could stick around for a while too. i know that's a massive ask.

i didn't realise it was as serious as this, that you nearly didn't make it. so fucking relieved you did. i'm so sorry all this happened, and for the stupid mistakes the doctors made.

i'm very tired. not as tired as you though. i just wanted to tell you i love you. thank you for being so strong. i hope with rest you start to feel better. (((bella)))
Wow, that was a lot to deal with, but you came out strong, just reading this proves that. Now I get your status too....keep on being the courageous person that you are bella

jo x
Thank you for reading this incredibly long post and your loving and caring replies.

I am at the moment without words to convey my gratitude and appreciating you my sweet friends. I am so humbled by the love of others. Thank you all.

Blessings and lots of hugs as always
Thank you (((MaybeJ))). I hope all is well with you and I have thought of you. :metoyou:

Blessings and :hug: :hug: :hug: as always

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