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The Miracle of being Cursed

Posted by bellachai , 23 June 2012 · 17 views

Both of my parents were/are not religous although both were raised in a church going family; my dad in the Catholic faith and my mother in some Protestant faith. My father lost his faith somewhere from the time he and my grandmother had my sister and I secretly baptised in the Catholic church.

I kept telling my mother growing up that yes I was baptised and she chalked it up to my dreaming it and it did not really happen. When she married my dad for the second time after being divorced 14 years with both of them divorced from partners directly from Hell in a second marriage, she found out the truth but by that time my father lost his faith through his death 7 months ago. He believed that when you die that is it. All of you ceases to exist. He did not fear death.

My mother does not know what to believe yet she tells me that she feels my dad's presence often since he has gone. Once she swears she saw him in a faded kind of way. I think my mother fears death.

My parents did not believe in miracles, curses or anything magical. Just a black and white life. Yet inspite of how I was raised and having so little church going in my life I do believe in a Higher Power, miracles, pure evil, curses and everything magical. Go figure.

This week reinforces my belief that for some unknown reason I have a curse on me. Perhaps my soul is being punished for some pure evil it committed in another time, place and life. Or I could be blind to sins I have/am committed. Or perhaps the evil that touched my life as a child is the curse and it remains with me untill I die. I pray that none of this is true yet adversity, pain and obstacles keep hitting me one right after the other. Why I am still standing and existing I have not idea unless I am already in Hell and I am meant to be in agony and sorrow fighting for a right to live in peace and contentment. IDK

I have not been isolating. I wanted to be here. I needed to be here.

A energy surge hit my internet box and fried it and crashed my computer so I had to wait for a new internet box to come in the mail so I could once again restore my cumputer which has taken a day and half.

My daughter is speaking to me again. Tuesday she texted me to ask if I was still going to say mean and rude things to her. I refused to fight with her. Niether of us apologized to each other. She is currently living in a tent in the desert of Wyoming outside of Rock Springs. They have no homeless shelters. The tempature there this and last week has been in the 90's. Jake is working and so some days they have food and some days not.

I found out she swallowed a whole bottle of extra strength tynenol. They told her that with hypothyroidism it is important in addition to thyroid medicine she needs to be on an antidepressant. I got to say I told you so cuz she quit taking it a year ago and I told her that was not a good idea.

Her dad and I have been stearing her and Jake in considering going to the Job Corps. It is all free, housing, food and schooling, and a good place for Jake to get his GED and learn a trade at the same time. They are strict but it is a good program. Jake and her dad have been trying to get her to agree to come home until they go to Job Corp. She finally has agreed. As of today she will be here this coming Wednesday and Jake will stay in Wyoming to work as a homeless person. I am glad to at least to provide a roof over her head and food everyday but it is going to cause some problems that I would rather not deal with. Well we shall see.

I do not have hot water so in order to bathe and wash my hair I have to boil water on my electric stove. My water heater is gas and I cannot pay my bill even after benefiting from LEAP in the winter I still have a portion to pay.

No hot water does not bother me much cuz it has been in the upper 90's for over a week, no rain and no cloud cover and my swamp cooler does not work. It is just after midnight right now and it must be in the 80's inside my house with three fans going. The heat is wearing me out.

My dryer stopped working. I was getting heat but the drum would not turn. My mom did not want me coming to her air condistioned home washing and drying my clothes at her house. so she sent a repair man. Fortunately it was an easy fix and hopefully not too expensive.

I am praying for my old refrigerator to keep going. I noticed the freezer was not cold enough. I had to throw a few things away just in case. I have turned it up and will check it later this morning.

My mother was diagnosed this week with congestive heart failure so she is on oxygen at night and anytime her oxygen goes below 89% when doing stuff. She will have to take diuretics for the rest of her life.

My mother got tired of toting me around I think cuz she gave me dad's truck to use. Who knows she may take it back when she finds out my daughter is at home.

I saw the hemotologist/oncologist about figuring out why I developed pulmonary embolisms then try getting me off the blood thinners. He first sent me to get some blood tests done. I went the next day and they took 14 vials of blood out of me. One vial was put on ice and another was immediately taken to the lab to heat up. Some of the vials went to the Mayo Clinic. Some of the blood tests came back. I am lacking IgA which some doctor when I was younger told my mother. What we did not know back then is that it is a genetic disease. It was also discovered that in addition to be severly deficient in vitamin D I am also severly deficient in iron. My body is not absorbing these for some reason.

Monday I have to get a CT scan to look at my lungs where the blood clots were which I will get an IV for contrast material. Then I have to go to the Infusion center where I will get another IV to treat my Iron deficiency and it will take three hours. And this Infusion therapy will happen every Monday for three hours until all is okay. I will find out more on Monday but I am scared.

Everytime I turn around something is is wrong. I am sick of it. I am sick of the pain and the fatigue of it all.

In July I will have a sleep study done and a redo on my mammogram that had a suspicious gray area last time.

I am overwhelmed and again am not liking what is going on.

I am a walking miracle of a cursed human being. :banghead:

It will take me awhile to get caught up here but I will.

Blessings to all



Phew Bellachai,

You are one extremely strong woman. I cannot believe you are still standing, so well done for just getting out of bed each morning. :yay:

I understand fully your thoughts of being cursed and it is not surprising with all that has happened and is still happening in your life. I got to the point where I went to see "magical" people to get the "curse(s)" lifted from myself and my family!!! :toomuch: :blush:

I am really happy to hear that your daughter is now speaking to you again and that there is a plan for moving forward with her and Jake.

Good luck with your CT Scan tomorrow.

I'm a bit overwhelmed and a little speechless with all that you have shared and thank you with all my heart for that sharing.

You are blessing to many and a true inspiration of guts and courage.

I am with you in spirit on those days when it just seems so hard to even lift your head off the pillow.

Despite what you think, there are Angels watching over you 0:) ... all of the time.

Many blessings to you.
welcome back ((((my friend)))).

i knew there was some reason for your absence...i'm glad it was your internet and not a huge personal or physical crisis. but i understand how overwhelming it is when everything is going wrong at once. i'm sorry that so much is happening. keep fighting...i know you have the determination and strength to keep going despite all the crap life throws at you. i hope the medical things improve your quality of life and are worth all the effort. and i hope the weather cools down....

i want to say more. but for now i'll just send many ((((hugs))))) and much ((((love)))).
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cordeliaVorkosigan
Jun 24 2012 12:25 PM
It is all very overwhelming. The advice I would give is to make a list of what you need to do everyday and not let it go on and on. I find that helps me not to freak out and just do nothing when I am overwhelmed. Most of the time what never seems to get done in my house is the cleaning. Today I am trying to conquer my dining room. Posted Image Some days, just going to work is all I can do. I don't feel guilty for not putting dinner on the table every night nor do I feel guilty for dirty dishes in my sink. Those are but small things. Do what you can each day and be proud that you did. Depression is sneaky. There is so much going on in your life, be sure to do even just a small thing for yourself that makes you happy.

As silly as it sounds, I paint my nails and it makes me feel pretty. Posted Image

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