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I am a horrible person if I get angry and express any; justified or not. That was what I was taught in childhood. I was not allowed to get angry until I left home a week after I turned 18. If I expressed any anger I would be punished: whipped with a belt and then spending two days in my bedroom in the dark.
My daughter has no problems spewing her anger. I am thinking that I could not teach her appropriate anger behavior cuz I do not know it either. Her words of anger hurt to the core with cruel intent.
I could easily fall in that pit where I can dwell on all my losses starting in 2004. The man of my dreams; the one I considered my soul mate turned his back on me and walked away. My son left home to live with his father (I have not seen him in 5 years, fortunately I speak on the phone with him frequently) I lost my job and ability to work. I lost all my retirement money, I lost my health, I lost many friends,I lost my dad, and my daughter is lost to me and I don't know how long that will be so.
What is left? Oh joy my mother, a woman who was abusive.
I have visions of my exhusband fluffing up he bright only for show peacock feathers and strutting around cuz our daughter is only speaking to him and our son lives with him. Feeling like the big shot. The fool yesterday goofed alittle while I was crying on the phone when he told me she hates me. He told me he loves me and if there is anything he can do for me.
No comment to that.
My mother called last night mainly to see how my doctor appointment went. She asked about my daughter; so I told her. She was quiet for a few moments then said she was so sorry and not to blame myself cuz I did nothing wrong and it is not my fault. She sounded so sincere that I was speachless but then she said that my spoiling her when she was growing up did not help this situation any.
I could not spoil her financially cuz I did not have the money to do that. Now if my mother means that I spoiled by not slappiing the crap out of her face, or pull her hair on purpose or hit her on the head hard enough to knock her unconcious or break her arm then yeah I spoiled her. My mother also said that what my daughter has done is unforgiveable and I should just cut her out of my life forever. Harsh.
I suspect my mother is secretly pleased that my daughter has behaved so disrespectfully towards me. It means that she does not have to share me with anyone else cuz there is no one else.
Still not emotionally stable. Tonight I just feel a profound sadness and loss.
Blessings to all