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Ironic

Posted by bellachai , 16 June 2012 · 70 views

There is this tiny squeeky voice somewhere within me telling to get angry. I dance with anger I think cuz I do not know fully how to feel that emotion and the few times I have it was an overwhelming experience in which I did not know what to do with it so in all cases I turned it inward into self hatred and guilt.

I am a horrible person if I get angry and express any; justified or not. That was what I was taught in childhood. I was not allowed to get angry until I left home a week after I turned 18. If I expressed any anger I would be punished: whipped with a belt and then spending two days in my bedroom in the dark.

My daughter has no problems spewing her anger. I am thinking that I could not teach her appropriate anger behavior cuz I do not know it either. Her words of anger hurt to the core with cruel intent.

I could easily fall in that pit where I can dwell on all my losses starting in 2004. The man of my dreams; the one I considered my soul mate turned his back on me and walked away. My son left home to live with his father (I have not seen him in 5 years, fortunately I speak on the phone with him frequently) I lost my job and ability to work. I lost all my retirement money, I lost my health, I lost many friends,I lost my dad, and my daughter is lost to me and I don't know how long that will be so.

What is left? Oh joy my mother, a woman who was abusive.

I have visions of my exhusband fluffing up he bright only for show peacock feathers and strutting around cuz our daughter is only speaking to him and our son lives with him. Feeling like the big shot. The fool yesterday goofed alittle while I was crying on the phone when he told me she hates me. He told me he loves me and if there is anything he can do for me.

No comment to that.

My mother called last night mainly to see how my doctor appointment went. She asked about my daughter; so I told her. She was quiet for a few moments then said she was so sorry and not to blame myself cuz I did nothing wrong and it is not my fault. She sounded so sincere that I was speachless but then she said that my spoiling her when she was growing up did not help this situation any.

I could not spoil her financially cuz I did not have the money to do that. Now if my mother means that I spoiled by not slappiing the crap out of her face, or pull her hair on purpose or hit her on the head hard enough to knock her unconcious or break her arm then yeah I spoiled her. My mother also said that what my daughter has done is unforgiveable and I should just cut her out of my life forever. Harsh.

I suspect my mother is secretly pleased that my daughter has behaved so disrespectfully towards me. It means that she does not have to share me with anyone else cuz there is no one else.

Still not emotionally stable. Tonight I just feel a profound sadness and loss.

Blessings to all



((((bella)))) i might come back when i have something coherent to say. for now...tears for you, then and now...and a few tears for me.

'It means that she does not have to share me with anyone else cuz there is no one else.' - that hit close to home for me. i'm sorry for everything that women did to you.
i am so sorry u feel that way. things get better they always do... when ur at rock bottom u have no where to go but up... just keep ur head and no matter what.... u must believe that everything does happen for a reason...
:bawling: yes i agree with ^ i am also sorry for everything she did to u
Just wanted to let you know that I'm here for you Bella, and sending you positive thoughts and energy. Hang in there :hug:

((((bella)))) i might come back when i have something coherent to say. for now...tears for you, then and now...and a few tears for me. 'It means that she does not have to share me with anyone else cuz there is no one else.' - that hit close to home for me. i'm sorry for everything that women did to you.


Thank you (((pink))).

Yea I have to say your mother is in the same class as mine: toxicity. And I don't like that you know what I am talking about. We both deserve better mothers.

Blessings as always, love and hugs.

Just wanted to let you know that I'm here for you Bella, and sending you positive thoughts and energy. Hang in there :hug:


Thank you Irish for the positive thoughts and energy. Thank you for the hug too. All are welcome and appreciated here.

Blessings to you as always

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