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How Many ways can a heart break?

Posted by bellachai , 14 June 2012 · 29 views

Last night my exhusband called me demanding to know what was going on with our daughter. I told him that I had not called him cuz I really do not know what is up with her since I have not personally spoken to her since she hung up on me early Monday evening. I only knew what Jake had told me and he lies all the time.

Apparently my daughter called her Grandparents up in California asking for help to go there. Meaning help her and Jake out. They referred her to call me or her dad. They immediately called my exhusband to see what he knew which was nothing. My exhusband who pays for our daughters phone called her. She told him she just could not talk to anyone and it and life did not matter anymore. She was refusing to talk with any of her own family even me.

My mother informed me yesterday that the only way she could tell that I failed as a mother was that I spoiled her but what is going with her now is not my fault.

So not too many of my daughter's family slept well last night cuz as far as we know she and jake had no place to stay last night.

My daughter texted me awhile ago and I will just type it here.

HER: Hi mom

ME: Are you okay

HER: Define ok

ME: Well idk I am not sure what is going on with you

HER: Didn't Jake tell you?

ME: You tell me

HER: No i dont think I will. It doesnt matterand nothing has changed and no one will or can help so what difference does it make?....none.

ME: Okay your entire family loves you whether you believe it or not those who are able to help you are not going to include jake in helping you cuz you are in this mess mostly because his being irresponsible and his lying problems. This is your home and your are welcome not jake cuz he needs to man up I love you and i am crying cuz i am worried and scared for you

HER: Whatever....fuck my whole "family" id rather die on the street with Jake than with any of u people....dont ever call or text me again...as of now my only family jake...if i could kill myself and succeed this time i would thanks so much for everything.

ME: I am sorry you feel this way. I love you so very much.

While I was typing this another text message came in this time from jakes phone.

Jake: Wow really right now I am trying to just get her up there and just screwed it all up and family should shut the hell up intell (sic) they know whats going on

Me: K

I am suppose to be in DBT right now. I cannot possibly be present for that so have not gone. Can't stop crying. I forwarded all these text messages to her father and we have spoken several times today so far. Through him our daughter has been told via text that if she so chooses a prepaid plane ticket would be available to only her to fly to her Grandparents in California or a bus ticket to me.

Being her mother how can I not think I had a hand in all this? Yes I feel guilty. I feel grief and profound saddness. I want to feel nothing. I want to be numb for awhile. I want my daugher back before she met Jake. He has corrupted her thinking. She now not only speaks they way he does she is acting like he does.

How do I 'let go' of this and her?

Blessings to all



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Untangling-It-All
Jun 14 2012 04:50 PM
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is hard to know what is truly going on with her but you aren't caving, you have set your boundaries very clearly and are sticking to them, and this is exactly what she needs. She knows she is welcome, you've told her, and you've made it clear he isn't - what she chooses to do from here on is not within your control. I am sorry this hurts so much, but having both of them back in your home wouldn't be any better. I hope that with time (sooner rather than later) she'll come to realize he isn't good for her and will leave him - but there is nothing you can do to make that happen. It is up to her. I am sorry for all your pain around this.
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Texasangeldoll
Jun 14 2012 06:51 PM
My heart breaks for you as a mother. Honestly, you will never truly let her go, because you are her mother. As a mom, you are in a very hard place, giving tough love is one of the hardest things to do. I taking it that your daughter is adult (18 and over). Sometimes all you can do is love them from afar. I know it doesn't help the pain, but you have done all that you can honestly do. You have offered her help, if she refuses to take that the help, there is nothing more you can do. The only other thing I would say to you is pray that the heavens keeps her safe. You have to move forward with your own life. You have made it very clear that she is welcomed into your home. If she is the ones that are setting up the limit of you have to take him too. Well, that is on her. She has to come to terms and see how he is a negative impact on her. I wish you the best.
i would love to have you as my real mother bella. really. you are an amazing mother (don't listen to your mum, what would she know about that?). your responses to her full of love and healthy boundaries for her own sake...i wish i had a mother who cared that much about me. she is truly lucky.

i'm sorry your daughter's judgement is currently so clouded by jake. it sounds like they have a really unhealthy, codepedent relationship...and it's not easy to disentangle from something like that, i'm sure many of us know that. i hope she will think about it and realise what is best for her, and find the strength to leave him and stay with you or her grandparents.

her behaviour and messages to you are really hurtful and childish. i'm sorry they hurt so much. i wish i could make the pain better. you have done nothing wrong and are not responsible for her choices.

((((love and hugs))))
Oh Bella... I'm so sorry for what you're going through. But as difficult as it is right now you are definitely making the right decisions. You have told your daughter you love her, and that you want to help her, while at the same time not allowing this Jake (who is clearly not a good influence on her) into your home. Stay strong, sending you lots of good energy and hugs :hug:

I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is hard to know what is truly going on with her but you aren't caving, you have set your boundaries very clearly and are sticking to them, and this is exactly what she needs. She knows she is welcome, you've told her, and you've made it clear he isn't - what she chooses to do from here on is not within your control. I am sorry this hurts so much, but having both of them back in your home wouldn't be any better. I hope that with time (sooner rather than later) she'll come to realize he isn't good for her and will leave him - but there is nothing you can do to make that happen. It is up to her. I am sorry for all your pain around this.


Thank you Untangling for your kind and caring support. Your words are comforting and a reminder to stay strong with the boundry I and my daughter's family have set. Bottom line Jake is not good for her and he was a burden for the 3 years he lived here that I am still trying to correct. I hope you are right and she will soon see hopefully before she comes to further harm. Blessings to you as always

My heart breaks for you as a mother. Honestly, you will never truly let her go, because you are her mother. As a mom, you are in a very hard place, giving tough love is one of the hardest things to do. I taking it that your daughter is adult (18 and over). Sometimes all you can do is love them from afar. I know it doesn't help the pain, but you have done all that you can honestly do. You have offered her help, if she refuses to take that the help, there is nothing more you can do. The only other thing I would say to you is pray that the heavens keeps her safe. You have to move forward with your own life. You have made it very clear that she is welcomed into your home. If she is the ones that are setting up the limit of you have to take him too. Well, that is on her. She has to come to terms and see how he is a negative impact on her. I wish you the best.


Thank you for your encouragement. I am struggling with it. Setting appropriate boundries is one of my therapy issues. This one is so difficult. I just am so done with Jake. This last year I have seen and heard on the phone how he has hurt her and she keeps taking him back. I did not teach her this as a survivor I thought I had provided a foundation that abuse on any level is unacceptable. My daughter just finished her first year of college and she is 22. Now she is not enrolled and somewhere in Rock Springs Wyoming a state away from me where there are no homeless shelters. No job no money. I am scared for her.

I pray every single day for her safety. Blessings to you.

i would love to have you as my real mother bella. really. you are an amazing mother (don't listen to your mum, what would she know about that?). your responses to her full of love and healthy boundaries for her own sake...i wish i had a mother who cared that much about me. she is truly lucky.i'm sorry your daughter's judgement is currently so clouded by jake. it sounds like they have a really unhealthy, codepedent relationship...and it's not easy to disentangle from something like that, i'm sure many of us know that. i hope she will think about it and realise what is best for her, and find the strength to leave him and stay with you or her grandparents.her behaviour and messages to you are really hurtful and childish. i'm sorry they hurt so much. i wish i could make the pain better. you have done nothing wrong and are not responsible for her choices.((((love and hugs))))



(((pink))) You know I am always attempting to adopt you and I would be honored to have you as my daughter. You know I love you. Yes she has hurt me. I just am so done with Jake and you know what a messed up person he is.

Thank you pink sweet person for caring and being here for me always.

Blessings as always, love and lots of hugs.

Oh Bella... I'm so sorry for what you're going through. But as difficult as it is right now you are definitely making the right decisions. You have told your daughter you love her, and that you want to help her, while at the same time not allowing this Jake (who is clearly not a good influence on her) into your home. Stay strong, sending you lots of good energy and hugs :hug:



Thank Irish for your kind and caring words. It means alot to me especially your taking the time when you are struggling with your own issues at the moment.

Thank you for the hug it was much appreciated.

Blessings to you

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